1/15/2011
12:32 PM
Entry Title: "Is This for Real?" (More of the Kingdom Prayer)
I'm combining two prayer periods into one journal entry because, in truth, the first prayer time wasn't exactly focused. Part of that was due to the nebulous structure of the prayer, and part of it was due to my own wandering mind. Needless to say, it was frustrating.
The second period was a little better, but still a struggle. The heart of the prayer concerned what the quest given me in the Kingdom Prayer the day before would entail. What would be the obstacles? What would I need to accomplish the task? Some things I determined would be needed were clarity and companions, and really not much else. If You call one to a quest, You give them what is needed to complete it, viz. Your very self. Obstacles I foresaw were egos, distance, lack of desire for the unity You so desire in John 17, and some others that I can't now remember.
The biggest question I have in all of this is (and therefore maybe the biggest obstacle), is this quest merely a part of the fantasy prayer, or is it the real deal? It could most certainly be the real deal, and though I don't know how it would fit with the vocation You've given me as teacher, it is worth serious consideration. You could want me to work at uniting Your Body. I have no idea what's going on, and all of this might simply be a distraction seeking to draw me away from You. Walk with me, Friend-Brother-Lord, and lead me where You want us to go.
1/15/2011
4:39 PM
Untitled
I want to get to a place where prayer is not an obligation, something I must do in order that my relationship with You might grow. It is this, most certainly, but I want to see it more as a joy than a burden. How do I do that? Even as I ask the question, I sense an answer. I notice that when I am with You in prayer, it is not burdensome or toilsome. It is typically wonderful. The struggle I have is not in prayer as much as it is in the usage of my time. It is the same with everything, even enjoyable times. Though I know I am going to enjoy what I am doing, I am always bucking against the constraints on what I deem as "my time." I am always looking forward to space where I have nothing to do so that I can do whatever I want, which truthfully usually isn't much. This constant bucking against the yoke of time constraints leaves me exhausted and never allows me to fully engage in whatever it is I'm doing. It is only now that I am realizing how destructive and fractious this is. I want to be fully present to You, to others, and to the task or activity at hand, and this can only occur if I release my unwavering grip on time. The truth is, I am holding nothing anyway, for time continues to flow onward with or without my consent. I have to let go, to join in rather than fight against, to trust You even with time, having faith that You will provide what space I truly need. As it stands, I'm a glutton with time, and my senses are dulled because of it. This is not what You want for me; this is not what I want for me. I want to be fully engaged, fully present wherever I happen to be. I don't know how to do this, but I do know that because You revealed it to me, You will show me how to cease striving here. I think this is vital to the deepening of our relationship, and I look forward to and welcome what You have to show me, how You want to lead me here. I love You, and I love how much You love me.
1/15/2011
7:17 PM
Looking at the Life of Jesus in John's Gospel
John 2:3-5: When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine." "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come!" His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."
The relationship displayed between You and Your mom here is wonderful. She knows of what You are capable, so she asks for some help. And with a sparkle in Your eye and laughter in Your voice, You ask what You're supposed to do about it. She gives You that knowing smile that all good mothers have, and says in effect, "Yeah yeah, just get to it already, you little scamp." Then she goes to the servants, knowing full well You'll do it because she knows her son, and tells them to listen to whatever is forthcoming from You. It's a beautiful picture of a mother-son relationship.
I love how the rest of the scene pans out as well, because it looks to me like You're trying to figure out how to honor Your mother's request. You scan the vicinity, looking for something, something...there! Those water jars will do (ceremonial water jars, too...). "Alright, now, fill them with water. And that should do it. Let the master of the banquet try it. I think he'll find it's up to snuff." What's also great is that You just kind of go with the flow. You said it wasn't Your time, but it seems that there's a change of plans, so You go with it, no questions asked. That is loving, trusting obedience to Your mother and to Your Father. I love how nonchalant and unassuming You are about the whole situation. You're enjoying it all!
Other observations:
--passionate for Your Father's name as seen in the Temple; in a holy rage, you defended His honor out of Your deep love for Him
--You never seem to be busy, never seem to be traveling with an agenda. You rarely if ever seek people out, but let the Father bring them to You.
--You just shower gifts on those You choose. The man at the Bethesda Pool, You just healed him. It was certainly compassion that led You to it, for it's not like You chose him blindly. You heard his story, and You loved him. You didn't make him wait until after the Sabbath, either. You just did it, because You are the creator of the Sabbath, and as the creator, You can say that love is far more important than rigid Sabbath observance. Of course, the Sabbath was given out of Your love, and the law that You "broke" was actually in opposition to the heart of the Sabbath. So really, You were simply revealing and restoring its original intent.
--It seems like Your "testing" of Philip was a playful one, kind of riling him up a bit. "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" The test may have been serious as well, but that doesn't preclude it being fun or You having fun with it.
--I know You had fun walking on the water. I know that caused some laughter between You and Abba! It's like You were thinking, "This should be fun!" You got to the boat, "Hey guys! It's just me." But it serves a purpose as well, because it reveals You to be just who You say You are.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Three
1/14/2011
10:34 AM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Frustration"
[Explanatory Note: For this exercise, the director recommended that, as I meditated on Ps. 139, I look back through the "happy times" in my life to see God present in them.]
Again, I tried the "happy times" exercise, and again it seemed somewhat fruitless. I think part of it may be that I find it difficult to be aware of You in the midst of sheer fun. I'm beginning to be able to do this, especially when it comes to simple silliness. There is good refreshment in humor for humor's sake. I see how You enjoy good humor and good fun; I just need and really want to see it more. It seems You've been calling me in that direction anyway over the past couple of months. Help me to live it! How exciting and enlivening is it to imagine Your presence in the sense of hilarity and nonsensical fun. There are good ways and bad ways of going about the funny and the fun, and I'm certainly not referring to that which dishonors You or draws people away from You, but I so desperately want and need to see You more clearly in the midst of these things because they are so much a part of me, and I see my humor as a gift You've given me. Please increase my awareness.
1/14/2011
12:30 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Principle and Foundation
Entry Title: "I love You, You love me..."
Ignatius' Principle and Foundation (edited to make gender-inclusive):
"People are created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save our souls.
The other things on the face of the earth are created for people to help them in attaining the end for which they are created.
Hence, people are to make use of them in as far as they help them in the attainment of their end, and they must rid themselves of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to them.
Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far as we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created."
Maybe the struggle to engage simply had to do with the subject matter, because I was fully engrossed this time. Where to start...? First (not chronologically), You showed me that I love You. It's always one of those questions I have, the "Do I really?" question. But You showed me some events and then asked my my motivations behind them. I could answer none other than that I did these things because I love You and want to love You more and want to be more open to Your love.
--You told me that the life of radical obedience I want is one You desire to give me and that we'll get there together.
--You told me or showed me that life with You is fun and adventurous, and that that is the way it should be approached. To approach it this way is certainly going to have to be enabled by You as I follow You. One of the reasons I hold too tightly to my time is due to the belief that following You like I want seems like it will mean constantly struggling to hear You in every single moment, constantly battling to discern what is Your voice and what isn't. That is certainly not the easy yoke, and I don't believe that's how You designed things. Times of prayer, hearing You there, will help me to hear You in the moments of everyday circumstances. Laubach's "Game of Minutes" will also be helpful as I move slowly toward union with You.
--You've been showing me Your humor over the past two days, and I have to say, it's pretty swell. Today, for instance: Me: "What about silence?" You: "We'll talk about it later."
--I mention this last because I'm unsure of the source, but it seemed like You were saying that You and me are gonna reveal a new way. Like "new" in a tangential sense, not "new" in a David Koresh sense. Like incorporating humor and fun into a holy life of following You is what I heard or saw. Maybe, maybe not...not nearly as important as everything else You showed me today. Sweet tears came, and my heart was drawn ever more to You. I sat there hoping to cement the new reality into place, but You said that it is cemented over time through incarnation. In other words, maybe the concrete was poured, but it takes a long time to dry.
(Explanatory note: I included the above "unsure, 'new' way" entry to reveal the ambiguity that often occurs when listening to and walking with Jesus. His voice is crystal clear sometimes, and at other times, it is not at all clear and another voice (your own, the world, evil) can often be mistaken for His. When you're unsure of whether or not something is from Him, set it aside or categorize it as of least importance. If it is from Him, He won't fail to bring it up again. As for this one, I look at it now and cringe a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's untrue...it just means I really feel like it is. At this point, I'd say it's a delusion of grandeur. Pride is always lurking, looking for a sucker.)
1/14/2011
3:26 PM
Kingdom Prayer
[Explanatory Note: Ignatius' "Kingdom Prayer" is what an engagement with God through the creation of a fantasy. The idea is to create a picture of the Kingdom of Heaven and the forces of evil that combat it, and to then place yourself in the fantasy and imagine that the King has given you a quest. You then are to prayerfully imagine what kind of person would reject such a quest, what kind of person would accept it, and so on. The point is to understand that you are being called to a quest by the King of Kings, called to live the adventure that is life with Him, and to then move towards acceptance of that life. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in prayer.)
The Fantasy and the Quest:
The story centers on a rebellion against the powers-that-be, powers that have gained their thrones by evil means and hold their thrones through the continuing development and use of evil means. The evil is subtle, however, not overt. They have convinced the general populace that evil is good through the use of a class of creatures known as the Illusionaries. The Illusionaries are masters at playing upon genuine desires within people, finding areas where the desires are perverted or disordered, and exploiting these weaknesses to build elaborate illusions to lure people into the darkness. The most devious aspect of these illusions is that those under their spell actually come to perpetuate and increase the power of the illusions. Thus, they are doubly culpable, for they allowed the illusion access in the beginning and continue to feed it. Through the Illusionaries, the powers-that-be, known collectively as the Dark, are engulfing the world in a suffocating nothingness. People overcome by this nothingness are reduced to Shells, mindlessly acquiescent, and become unwitting slave-soldiers in the army of the Dark. The Dark are mounting a final war to end all resistance and reign unopposed.
All is not lost, however; in fact, far from it. The Light-King is building an army of His own. Pockets of people who follow Him are alive and well, but fiercely opposed. They are known as the Enkindled. What they lack in numbers they make up for in creativity, vision, imagination, and most of all, love. They are also responsible for enlivening the Light-King's other warriors, the Light-Breathers, which they do by living out the lives to which they have been called. The Light-Breathers are an interesting breed, for they both need light to survive but also produce light that combats and overpowers the Dark, the Illusionaries, and the suffocating nothingness. The stronger the light they breathe in, the more powerful the light they produce. The Enkindled emit the light breathed by the Light-Breathers, and the strength of the light provided by an Enkindled is related to the strength of his or her devotion to the Light-King. The light of an Enkindled is released through responsive action to the Light-King.
As the situation stands, however, the pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are facing an ever-strengthening foe and cannot long resist, much less mount an offensive, if they remain divided from one another. When pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are united, their power sees a manifold increase. In order to defeat the Dark and their army, the Light-King's subjects will have to be united. And for this task, He has chosen you. The quest is a dangerous one, and torturous death may be the result, but the Light-King, your greatest love and the One who loves you infinitely more than all others, has summoned you. Will you accept?
1/14/2011
10:32 PM
Response to the "Kingdom Prayer" Request
First of all, what a beautiful night! The moon is bright and crowned with a pearlescent halo, and it's just cold enough to be called 'crisp' with no tinge of sarcasm. You do lovely work.
Now, on to the response to the call of You, the King. Knowing who You are, what kind of king You are, I couldn't imagine turning You down. What else would I do? For whom else would I do it? Why would I want to follow another? What I did notice in me, what gave me hesitation, was my fear of failing at a task so large, so important. I know my tendency, my penchant for starting without completing, and I absolutely wouldn't want to drop the ball on this one. Yet, that fear is not strong enough to keep me from accepting Your loving request. I'd rather accept the quest and fail than to simply reject it altogether. I love You. I know that for certain now. And I know You love me far more than I can imagine, and I know everything You call me to is an instance of You demonstrating Your love for me. So, though I wouldn't even know where to begin if the task in the fantasy is indeed a real task to which You are calling me, I wholeheartedly accept. The question that I have now is, is that a genuine quest to which You are calling me? It sounds exceedingly difficult but exceedingly awesome if it is, and I don't know how it squares with the vocation of teacher which You have bestowed upon me, but I suppose these are questions to be answered a bit later. Thank You, my dear friend and wonderful LORD, for a fantastic day.
10:34 AM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Frustration"
[Explanatory Note: For this exercise, the director recommended that, as I meditated on Ps. 139, I look back through the "happy times" in my life to see God present in them.]
Again, I tried the "happy times" exercise, and again it seemed somewhat fruitless. I think part of it may be that I find it difficult to be aware of You in the midst of sheer fun. I'm beginning to be able to do this, especially when it comes to simple silliness. There is good refreshment in humor for humor's sake. I see how You enjoy good humor and good fun; I just need and really want to see it more. It seems You've been calling me in that direction anyway over the past couple of months. Help me to live it! How exciting and enlivening is it to imagine Your presence in the sense of hilarity and nonsensical fun. There are good ways and bad ways of going about the funny and the fun, and I'm certainly not referring to that which dishonors You or draws people away from You, but I so desperately want and need to see You more clearly in the midst of these things because they are so much a part of me, and I see my humor as a gift You've given me. Please increase my awareness.
1/14/2011
12:30 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Principle and Foundation
Entry Title: "I love You, You love me..."
Ignatius' Principle and Foundation (edited to make gender-inclusive):
"People are created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save our souls.
The other things on the face of the earth are created for people to help them in attaining the end for which they are created.
Hence, people are to make use of them in as far as they help them in the attainment of their end, and they must rid themselves of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to them.
Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far as we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created."
Maybe the struggle to engage simply had to do with the subject matter, because I was fully engrossed this time. Where to start...? First (not chronologically), You showed me that I love You. It's always one of those questions I have, the "Do I really?" question. But You showed me some events and then asked my my motivations behind them. I could answer none other than that I did these things because I love You and want to love You more and want to be more open to Your love.
--You told me that the life of radical obedience I want is one You desire to give me and that we'll get there together.
--You told me or showed me that life with You is fun and adventurous, and that that is the way it should be approached. To approach it this way is certainly going to have to be enabled by You as I follow You. One of the reasons I hold too tightly to my time is due to the belief that following You like I want seems like it will mean constantly struggling to hear You in every single moment, constantly battling to discern what is Your voice and what isn't. That is certainly not the easy yoke, and I don't believe that's how You designed things. Times of prayer, hearing You there, will help me to hear You in the moments of everyday circumstances. Laubach's "Game of Minutes" will also be helpful as I move slowly toward union with You.
--You've been showing me Your humor over the past two days, and I have to say, it's pretty swell. Today, for instance: Me: "What about silence?" You: "We'll talk about it later."
--I mention this last because I'm unsure of the source, but it seemed like You were saying that You and me are gonna reveal a new way. Like "new" in a tangential sense, not "new" in a David Koresh sense. Like incorporating humor and fun into a holy life of following You is what I heard or saw. Maybe, maybe not...not nearly as important as everything else You showed me today. Sweet tears came, and my heart was drawn ever more to You. I sat there hoping to cement the new reality into place, but You said that it is cemented over time through incarnation. In other words, maybe the concrete was poured, but it takes a long time to dry.
(Explanatory note: I included the above "unsure, 'new' way" entry to reveal the ambiguity that often occurs when listening to and walking with Jesus. His voice is crystal clear sometimes, and at other times, it is not at all clear and another voice (your own, the world, evil) can often be mistaken for His. When you're unsure of whether or not something is from Him, set it aside or categorize it as of least importance. If it is from Him, He won't fail to bring it up again. As for this one, I look at it now and cringe a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's untrue...it just means I really feel like it is. At this point, I'd say it's a delusion of grandeur. Pride is always lurking, looking for a sucker.)
1/14/2011
3:26 PM
Kingdom Prayer
[Explanatory Note: Ignatius' "Kingdom Prayer" is what an engagement with God through the creation of a fantasy. The idea is to create a picture of the Kingdom of Heaven and the forces of evil that combat it, and to then place yourself in the fantasy and imagine that the King has given you a quest. You then are to prayerfully imagine what kind of person would reject such a quest, what kind of person would accept it, and so on. The point is to understand that you are being called to a quest by the King of Kings, called to live the adventure that is life with Him, and to then move towards acceptance of that life. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in prayer.)
The Fantasy and the Quest:
The story centers on a rebellion against the powers-that-be, powers that have gained their thrones by evil means and hold their thrones through the continuing development and use of evil means. The evil is subtle, however, not overt. They have convinced the general populace that evil is good through the use of a class of creatures known as the Illusionaries. The Illusionaries are masters at playing upon genuine desires within people, finding areas where the desires are perverted or disordered, and exploiting these weaknesses to build elaborate illusions to lure people into the darkness. The most devious aspect of these illusions is that those under their spell actually come to perpetuate and increase the power of the illusions. Thus, they are doubly culpable, for they allowed the illusion access in the beginning and continue to feed it. Through the Illusionaries, the powers-that-be, known collectively as the Dark, are engulfing the world in a suffocating nothingness. People overcome by this nothingness are reduced to Shells, mindlessly acquiescent, and become unwitting slave-soldiers in the army of the Dark. The Dark are mounting a final war to end all resistance and reign unopposed.
All is not lost, however; in fact, far from it. The Light-King is building an army of His own. Pockets of people who follow Him are alive and well, but fiercely opposed. They are known as the Enkindled. What they lack in numbers they make up for in creativity, vision, imagination, and most of all, love. They are also responsible for enlivening the Light-King's other warriors, the Light-Breathers, which they do by living out the lives to which they have been called. The Light-Breathers are an interesting breed, for they both need light to survive but also produce light that combats and overpowers the Dark, the Illusionaries, and the suffocating nothingness. The stronger the light they breathe in, the more powerful the light they produce. The Enkindled emit the light breathed by the Light-Breathers, and the strength of the light provided by an Enkindled is related to the strength of his or her devotion to the Light-King. The light of an Enkindled is released through responsive action to the Light-King.
As the situation stands, however, the pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are facing an ever-strengthening foe and cannot long resist, much less mount an offensive, if they remain divided from one another. When pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are united, their power sees a manifold increase. In order to defeat the Dark and their army, the Light-King's subjects will have to be united. And for this task, He has chosen you. The quest is a dangerous one, and torturous death may be the result, but the Light-King, your greatest love and the One who loves you infinitely more than all others, has summoned you. Will you accept?
1/14/2011
10:32 PM
Response to the "Kingdom Prayer" Request
First of all, what a beautiful night! The moon is bright and crowned with a pearlescent halo, and it's just cold enough to be called 'crisp' with no tinge of sarcasm. You do lovely work.
Now, on to the response to the call of You, the King. Knowing who You are, what kind of king You are, I couldn't imagine turning You down. What else would I do? For whom else would I do it? Why would I want to follow another? What I did notice in me, what gave me hesitation, was my fear of failing at a task so large, so important. I know my tendency, my penchant for starting without completing, and I absolutely wouldn't want to drop the ball on this one. Yet, that fear is not strong enough to keep me from accepting Your loving request. I'd rather accept the quest and fail than to simply reject it altogether. I love You. I know that for certain now. And I know You love me far more than I can imagine, and I know everything You call me to is an instance of You demonstrating Your love for me. So, though I wouldn't even know where to begin if the task in the fantasy is indeed a real task to which You are calling me, I wholeheartedly accept. The question that I have now is, is that a genuine quest to which You are calling me? It sounds exceedingly difficult but exceedingly awesome if it is, and I don't know how it squares with the vocation of teacher which You have bestowed upon me, but I suppose these are questions to be answered a bit later. Thank You, my dear friend and wonderful LORD, for a fantastic day.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Two
1/13/2011
8:27 AM
I'm sitting in what I assume to be the library. My doubts are already beginning to creep up about You showing up today, but You said, "I am here now." There are two reasons for my fear in this: 1) I want my time to be impactful for everyone else involved and, 2) I really want these obstacles that hinder me from wholehearted pursuit of You to be removed and I'm afraid nothing will happen and I'll leave here unchanged. I constantly sense these barriers in me, and I constantly feel as though I'm only giving You some of me. It's a disheartening feeling. I want to go where You want to go, LORD; help me want it more, to the point of firm intention and action.1/13/2011
10:08 AM
Scripture Passage: Isaiah 43:1-4
Entry Title: "Remember this...you'll need it."
Prayer time was kind of distracted. There remains a pressure or a burden that seems to prevent me from fully engaging with You. It seems also like I'm simply trying too hard. Help me to relax, and to offer all of my time to You so that You can lead me into the rest that brings rejuvenation.
The main theme gathered from this passage was simply that You want me to remember the promise You made me and will always honor, namely that You have called me by name, redeemed me, that I am Yours, and that You will give everything for me so great is Your love for me. This didn't have any kind of deep emotional resonance with me, but that doesn't seem to matter. You seemed to be telling me simply to remember it because I will need it in the future, either during the retreat or later. It is an unshakable promise, and You will not allow me to be overrun, destroyed, or consumed.1/13/2011
10:57 AM
I'm feeling a little more awake and energized, more ready to pray. In the chapel with sun streaming in through stained glass.1/13/2011
12:37 PM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Always with me, always has been...I want to be with You."
It became very apparent how excited You are to be with us, with me. You are not always and everywhere with me because You have to be or because You can't help it due to Your omnipresence; You are always and everywhere with me because You want to be, because You are actually delighted to be with me. You have been with me in the light and when I strayed into darkness; what most resonated with me is that You seemed to say that You are with me and enjoying my various pursuits. (section excluded)
All of this just makes me want to follow You even more, in every moment of every day. You know, the only conscious hesitation to that that I have at the moment is thinking of the exhaustion I experience when I try to do this as I seek to discern between what is You and what is me. The truth is, I need to live in the freedom of being Yours and simply respond without much deliberation. If I'm seeking You, You'll show me when I err and lovingly draw me back in step with You.The theme of today seems to be awareness of Your presence, Your ubiquity in my life. Continue to open my eyes to this, and open my heart to Your inexhaustible love.Of further note, today has seen little emotional impact one. If it's a block, please work through it with me, Abba.
1/13/2011
7:17 PM
Entry Title: Hidden Hindrance Revealed
In the meeting with Father Gene, I made it know that I felt I was experiencing a blockage in my relationship with You. He said that in His experience, blockages could usually be attributed either to a belief that God was going to call someone to something they didn't want for themselves (in the sense of deep desire, I would imagine, for those are of the very nature of a person) or that...well, I forget the other one at the moment.
Laying in the snow under the sun after my meeting with Father Gene, I decided to push in again to a situation I often revisit. I discovered that this situation really wasn't about anything other than my image of who You are. I haven't been able to let You into it because of fear. The first remembrance I have of this fear in general involved my idea of Heaven. In my understanding at the time, Heaven was a place where millions gathered around Your throne and sang to You for all of eternity. This didn't appeal to me too much, and though I really had no choice but to follow You, the effort was half-hearted. The real fear I had in it was not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but that I would have to be basically lobotomized in order for enjoyment to occur. I resigned myself to the fact that this was what would indeed happen until I was given a different picture of Heaven and, more importantly, of You. I have no clear memory of when this took place, and it may have been a gradual development, but the truer understanding of Heaven and You ignited a fire in me and made me want to actually pursue You and know You more. When You are truly known, then can You be truly sought. The paradox is, You must be truly sought before You can be truly known. I love this crazy life!
Anyway, laying on the ground on this Edenic winter's day, I decided to give You more leeway, to explore the other situation in a deeper and more honest way rather than only giving it a cursory glance as per usual. What You revealed rather quickly was that the aforementioned old fear had taken on new form. I have been pursuing You while holding part of me back because I figured if I granted You full access into my heart, You would lead me in a direction counter to my desire, to who I am. Thus, I have been rejecting You, keeping You out of that area of my heart for fear that You would in effect swindle me. It has been utterly exhausting, and I think it will take a bit to be fully free of it, but I have finally surrendered enough to allow You to bring that fear into the light, and fear cannot survive in the light. I know it will try to re-entrench itself as it rages in the throes of death; help me to stand with You and refuse it entrance back into my heart. I want to move wholeheartedly forward with You. Help me to remember what You have revealed to me today so that I can see it for what it is and bar it entrance again into my life. Also, help me believe that I can trust my desires. Though I am still not experiencing heavily in the emotional realm, this is a huge revelation, and I thank You deeply for it. What a gift, Abba!
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