1/19/2011
6:43 AM
I am not ready to leave today, and I think I've touched on the reason why, at least part of it. Looking back, it feels as though my time here has spanned but half a breath, and only the inhalation. You have inspired in the root meaning of the word. That is the joy and the fear of it, though. You love me enough to breathe deeply into me, but will I simply hold my breath rather than exhale, killing the life-infusing power of Your breath and myself in the process? If only eight days could see me emerge from here with the cementing experience of eighty years. There wouldn't be much fun in that, though. Yet in the idea there is the recognition of the truth that what You have only begun here will take a life-filled life to enflesh, and there's always the possibility that I'll cower in the face of adversity's temptation. There's no doubt: I will; it is only 'we' who won't. The thing now is to not try and live everything at once; we are to start where You say to start, and to do so vigorously. But it is to be remembered that even a vigorous start must still begin with one step.
1/19/2011
8:21 AM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 17
To come back to John 17 is a wonderful way to conclude the retreat. It's as it should be. It's You praying protection over me as I leave, praying that I would come to know You as deeply as You and Abba know one another, fighting for me that that I would let You love me. All of this is for my sake, for the sake of everyone else, and for Your sake. We're all winners when I come to You. And this is eternal life! It is no distant future. It is here to be entered into now and every now always, becaus eternal life is that I "may know [Abba], the only true God, and You Jesus, the one he has sent." (John 17:3) The simplicity and yet the utterly incomprehensible vastness of that, and right here for the living. Thank You with all of me, and I will thank You with all of me. I know Your protective and encompassing love is all around, in, and through me as I go today. Continue to increase my awareness of Your everywhere-ness, and give me the grace to ever continue opening to Your love. In Your name, Abba-Brother-Friend, Amen.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day 7
1/18/2011
7:35 AM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 3
Suscipe
Take, LORD, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, LORD, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me.
--Ignatius of Loyola
This is such a dangerous prayer, and yet for the one who would love You and be loved by You, it is the necessary one. I have been fighting through this one for a long time, it seems, particularly in the area of my desires, and more particularly in my romantic desires. I feel like I fought through and surrendered these to You this morning in a more honest way than I ever have to date. I'm still scared of what it will mean, who it will mean, but this is what it takes to let You love me, so I will continue to surrender all of this to You, to let You past my fear-constructed barricades. I love You, Abba-Brother-Friend, and I'm trying to wholly surrender to Your love for me.
1/18/2011
11:05 AM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 4
It is beautiful outside today. Thank You for this. Warm, slight breeze...another typical Colorado January. I find that, as my time here at the retreat draws to a close, I'm ambivalent. On one hand, I'm excited to talk with friends again, to get back to a few of the things I love, but I'm a little dejected, too. I want everyone to walk with You like this, to see more clearly who You are, to have You tell them over and over how much You love them in a setting where they can't easily run from Your voice to the false safety of distraction. I want to share this, share the adventurous loving mystery that is You with all those dear to me, and I fear that, as has happened so many times before, they will listen politely and maybe even excitedly but will nonetheless turn away and go about their lives thinking "how nice this would be, but I'm..." But you're what? When it comes to You, what is a good excuse? This is not a vacation, but a vital time of restfully difficult work. How badly do you want to know God and want Him to know you? How important is it in the grand scheme of things? You don't have all of eternity for this; you have now. I get frustrated at how passionate I get about this because it feels like I'm being self-righteous or condescending or even cruel. Where it is one of these, forgive me, but is it not more accurately termed 'compassion'? If I'm this worked up about it, what must You feel in Your depthless love? How much do You yearn to meet, really meet, with Your children? But it must come from desire. Little tastes of You here and there are fine if they awaken that ravenous hunger for You that lies buried within us all, but to try and suffice on little tastes alone is a sure road to starvation.
As for the second time of prayer this morning, I was taken aback; 'troubled' would be the word. As I contemplated Your loving presence in its ultimate form, You Jesus, I became baffled by the Cross. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try. I deeply know and strive to live the fact that You became one of us and showed us how to live, how to follow Abba. I know that Your faithfulness led You to the Cross, that somehow this was necessary to repair the rift caused by sin and to mortally wound Satan and death. I get that Your resurrection opened the door to God and imparted new and forever life to all those who would follow You (not simply assent to the truth of the facts about You, but live the ramifications of who You are). You are transforming Your true children daily, making them into utterly unique incarnations of You as we allow Your love entrance into our lives. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why the Cross? All the theories of atonement and whatever else don't come close to answering whatever it is I'm asking. Fortunately, my understanding is not required to believe and to follow You, and I don't doubt You and Your love for me for a moment. I love that I am loved by You; I love You.
1/18/2011
4:22 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 14
This was not a pleasant time. It is currently difficult to be with You in the realm of the imagination, and that I deeply lament, but You remain ever-near, and in that I greatly rejoice. Even writing about it gladdens my heart and imparts a great sweetness. You are wonderful! What gives me hope is simply who You are, and I know that You will eventually heal or destroy whatever is wrong with me. You said as much on the walk back from the sentinel gazebo, along with just saying that You love me. Those words are honey, but what was even more deeply soothing and sweet was Your presence, knowing that You were and are walking beside me even as I feel like I'm deeply wounding You. Thank You.
It wasn't all painful, however. I stopped and spent time with John 14:19b: "Because I live, you also will live." I explored the capacities of the resurrection body. I imagined that food will taste unbearably wonderful with my purified senses; my mind will be purified and forever pure and will be able to comprehend and retain and explore with unimaginable facility; who knows what else will be possible. Rough-housing with lions and bears? The greatest thing, though, was the constant awareness of and communion with You. I imagined unadulterated and unmediated presence! You are always explicitly present to my consciousness, and You give me joyous work to do! And for all I imagine, the reality is so much greater, I know. Yeah, that sounds good; I'll have that.
1/18/2011
7:57 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 15
I spent a bit of time with the copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" that hangs in the conference room here. Though nothing much came from the short time of reflection on the image, it did seem that You were saying something to the effect that I need new images to replace the old ones, good ones to replace the bad ones. It makes sense. I trust that You'll help me find what I need.
I was certainly more reluctant to begin this prayer time with You for fear of an attack from the enemy. I suspect that this is precisely what he was betting on, but if nothing else, I know the worst thing I could do, now or ever, is to stay away from You, particularly if the distance is due to fear. As You said earlier, the enemy and his kind may be devious, but they're not altogether too bright whenever Your brilliance is involved. So thank You for that.
The focus of this time was exactly what You wanted it to be: love each other as You have loved us. How have You loved us? As the Father has loved and loves You. This means presence and searching intimacy, a complete through-and-through love. The love between You and Abba is such that You act in utter harmony, as One. The only way such is possible is through intimacy, and the only way intimacy can be acquired is through deep presence. It's not proximity that is important, though that is part of it, but it is being present and open to the other in my midst with all faculties engaged. Love will manifest itself externally for different people in different ways at different times, but the only way it will genuinely manifest itself is through intimate, responsive presence. Such presence will be concurrently open to You and to the other, and it is here that fruit is borne. I have had periods when I've been "good" at this, and the few days before this retreat was one of those periods, but in general for the past year or more, this hasn't been the case. Thank You for revelations and reminders.
What is of further significance and absolutely vital is that we must remain in Your love. As You showed me a day or two ago, remaining in Your love is a restful act, but it is a rest that involves activity in the form of walking with You. It is not simply a sitting around, waiting, and meditating, although that is a necessary part of it. Love is active; You are active; we too must be active so far as we remain in You. If we do not remain in You, we are dead branches, fruitless skeletons walking about offering shriveled grapes to the starving in our midst while they laugh at us and taunt us for thinking we're still alive.
Finally, we are Your friends. We offer obedient love not as servants but as friends. If the master asks a servant to do something, it is done out of compulsion, obligation. If a friend asks something of a friend, the request is obeyed in joyful love. We need a new understanding of the kind of obedience to which our greatest and dearest friend calls us. If we want to be, we are the dear and intimate friends of God Himself, the Creator and Extravagant Lover. I will end. Abba, I thank You for the new name You've given me to call You, and I love You.
1/18/2011
10:36 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 16
We landed on the last verses of John 16: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." In other words, if the message hasn't been received loud and clear already, You are saying, "Stick with Me!"
I thought I heard You this time, and You said that tomorrow, You and me are going to walk out of here and go back into the world. It then seemed You said that You are going to lead me someplace I'd rather not go, but all would be well and that I must simply trust You. My time is not my own, nor is my life. If these are truly Your words for tomorrow, help me let You love me. If they don't have to do with tomorrow in the literal sense, they are true nonetheless, so again, help me let You love me.
Also on my walk tonight, two things seem important to record. First, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me what to send to everyone. Second, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me where I should start as I transition back into my "normal" life. Love.
7:35 AM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 3
Suscipe
Take, LORD, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, LORD, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me.
--Ignatius of Loyola
This is such a dangerous prayer, and yet for the one who would love You and be loved by You, it is the necessary one. I have been fighting through this one for a long time, it seems, particularly in the area of my desires, and more particularly in my romantic desires. I feel like I fought through and surrendered these to You this morning in a more honest way than I ever have to date. I'm still scared of what it will mean, who it will mean, but this is what it takes to let You love me, so I will continue to surrender all of this to You, to let You past my fear-constructed barricades. I love You, Abba-Brother-Friend, and I'm trying to wholly surrender to Your love for me.
1/18/2011
11:05 AM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 4
It is beautiful outside today. Thank You for this. Warm, slight breeze...another typical Colorado January. I find that, as my time here at the retreat draws to a close, I'm ambivalent. On one hand, I'm excited to talk with friends again, to get back to a few of the things I love, but I'm a little dejected, too. I want everyone to walk with You like this, to see more clearly who You are, to have You tell them over and over how much You love them in a setting where they can't easily run from Your voice to the false safety of distraction. I want to share this, share the adventurous loving mystery that is You with all those dear to me, and I fear that, as has happened so many times before, they will listen politely and maybe even excitedly but will nonetheless turn away and go about their lives thinking "how nice this would be, but I'm..." But you're what? When it comes to You, what is a good excuse? This is not a vacation, but a vital time of restfully difficult work. How badly do you want to know God and want Him to know you? How important is it in the grand scheme of things? You don't have all of eternity for this; you have now. I get frustrated at how passionate I get about this because it feels like I'm being self-righteous or condescending or even cruel. Where it is one of these, forgive me, but is it not more accurately termed 'compassion'? If I'm this worked up about it, what must You feel in Your depthless love? How much do You yearn to meet, really meet, with Your children? But it must come from desire. Little tastes of You here and there are fine if they awaken that ravenous hunger for You that lies buried within us all, but to try and suffice on little tastes alone is a sure road to starvation.
As for the second time of prayer this morning, I was taken aback; 'troubled' would be the word. As I contemplated Your loving presence in its ultimate form, You Jesus, I became baffled by the Cross. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try. I deeply know and strive to live the fact that You became one of us and showed us how to live, how to follow Abba. I know that Your faithfulness led You to the Cross, that somehow this was necessary to repair the rift caused by sin and to mortally wound Satan and death. I get that Your resurrection opened the door to God and imparted new and forever life to all those who would follow You (not simply assent to the truth of the facts about You, but live the ramifications of who You are). You are transforming Your true children daily, making them into utterly unique incarnations of You as we allow Your love entrance into our lives. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why the Cross? All the theories of atonement and whatever else don't come close to answering whatever it is I'm asking. Fortunately, my understanding is not required to believe and to follow You, and I don't doubt You and Your love for me for a moment. I love that I am loved by You; I love You.
1/18/2011
4:22 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 14
This was not a pleasant time. It is currently difficult to be with You in the realm of the imagination, and that I deeply lament, but You remain ever-near, and in that I greatly rejoice. Even writing about it gladdens my heart and imparts a great sweetness. You are wonderful! What gives me hope is simply who You are, and I know that You will eventually heal or destroy whatever is wrong with me. You said as much on the walk back from the sentinel gazebo, along with just saying that You love me. Those words are honey, but what was even more deeply soothing and sweet was Your presence, knowing that You were and are walking beside me even as I feel like I'm deeply wounding You. Thank You.
It wasn't all painful, however. I stopped and spent time with John 14:19b: "Because I live, you also will live." I explored the capacities of the resurrection body. I imagined that food will taste unbearably wonderful with my purified senses; my mind will be purified and forever pure and will be able to comprehend and retain and explore with unimaginable facility; who knows what else will be possible. Rough-housing with lions and bears? The greatest thing, though, was the constant awareness of and communion with You. I imagined unadulterated and unmediated presence! You are always explicitly present to my consciousness, and You give me joyous work to do! And for all I imagine, the reality is so much greater, I know. Yeah, that sounds good; I'll have that.
1/18/2011
7:57 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 15
I spent a bit of time with the copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" that hangs in the conference room here. Though nothing much came from the short time of reflection on the image, it did seem that You were saying something to the effect that I need new images to replace the old ones, good ones to replace the bad ones. It makes sense. I trust that You'll help me find what I need.
I was certainly more reluctant to begin this prayer time with You for fear of an attack from the enemy. I suspect that this is precisely what he was betting on, but if nothing else, I know the worst thing I could do, now or ever, is to stay away from You, particularly if the distance is due to fear. As You said earlier, the enemy and his kind may be devious, but they're not altogether too bright whenever Your brilliance is involved. So thank You for that.
The focus of this time was exactly what You wanted it to be: love each other as You have loved us. How have You loved us? As the Father has loved and loves You. This means presence and searching intimacy, a complete through-and-through love. The love between You and Abba is such that You act in utter harmony, as One. The only way such is possible is through intimacy, and the only way intimacy can be acquired is through deep presence. It's not proximity that is important, though that is part of it, but it is being present and open to the other in my midst with all faculties engaged. Love will manifest itself externally for different people in different ways at different times, but the only way it will genuinely manifest itself is through intimate, responsive presence. Such presence will be concurrently open to You and to the other, and it is here that fruit is borne. I have had periods when I've been "good" at this, and the few days before this retreat was one of those periods, but in general for the past year or more, this hasn't been the case. Thank You for revelations and reminders.
What is of further significance and absolutely vital is that we must remain in Your love. As You showed me a day or two ago, remaining in Your love is a restful act, but it is a rest that involves activity in the form of walking with You. It is not simply a sitting around, waiting, and meditating, although that is a necessary part of it. Love is active; You are active; we too must be active so far as we remain in You. If we do not remain in You, we are dead branches, fruitless skeletons walking about offering shriveled grapes to the starving in our midst while they laugh at us and taunt us for thinking we're still alive.
Finally, we are Your friends. We offer obedient love not as servants but as friends. If the master asks a servant to do something, it is done out of compulsion, obligation. If a friend asks something of a friend, the request is obeyed in joyful love. We need a new understanding of the kind of obedience to which our greatest and dearest friend calls us. If we want to be, we are the dear and intimate friends of God Himself, the Creator and Extravagant Lover. I will end. Abba, I thank You for the new name You've given me to call You, and I love You.
1/18/2011
10:36 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 16
We landed on the last verses of John 16: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." In other words, if the message hasn't been received loud and clear already, You are saying, "Stick with Me!"
I thought I heard You this time, and You said that tomorrow, You and me are going to walk out of here and go back into the world. It then seemed You said that You are going to lead me someplace I'd rather not go, but all would be well and that I must simply trust You. My time is not my own, nor is my life. If these are truly Your words for tomorrow, help me let You love me. If they don't have to do with tomorrow in the literal sense, they are true nonetheless, so again, help me let You love me.
Also on my walk tonight, two things seem important to record. First, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me what to send to everyone. Second, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me where I should start as I transition back into my "normal" life. Love.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Six
1/17/2011
10:07 AM
Three Degrees #3
Beginning with contemplative prayer was a good call, Jesus. Thank You. Contemplative prayer actually helps in other types of prayer because it helps me see distractions for what they are and how to handle them. Focus is more easily maintained.
For this prayer period, the third degree of humility was the emphasis. The constant refrain was: You were Created to Walk this Life. It was repeated throughout the time. Although I think You say this to us all, it was definitely meant specifically for me. That "you" was not general but very particular. The "created" piece implied choice in the matter, though true purpose is found only in walking Your life in my shoes, Jesus, so though it is sometimes difficult to carry this through, there really is no alternative. The "walk" portion struck me as one of movement in the midst of abiding, that in order to rest in You I must walk with You. Resting is not a stationary activity. the "life" portion says that it is comprehensive, that the life is not a series of events that meet certain "holy" criteria, but that it is all-encompassing. It also spoke to me of energy, vibrancy, fun, adventure, electricity, color, beauty, joy, love.
I tried to figure out everything about how it is to look, but it is an invitation, not a map. Besides, I am already walking it to some degree; You're simply inviting me to more. At the moment, I'm scared that I will leave and forget. Trust is always my biggest obstacle with You; help me to trust that You will continue what here You have begun.
Finally, last night needs to be documented. There are some things to consider, for the full-body sensation I had as I sat with You, staring into the fire, was that this ........ idea is no fanciful imagining. It seemed very much like something towards which You are beckoning me. It would unite the vocation as teacher and, for lack of a better word, unifier. I really think I need to undergo some serious discernment regarding all this entails. It is a rather important issue in that it seems to be a matter of good vs. best, and I want best, that is, to walk with You in everything. Open my eyes, ears, and heart here.
1/17/2011
4:54 PM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 1 (another of Ignatius' creations that I'm not going to write out...deal with it.)
I purposed to walk the grounds, stand on a hillside and look out toward the west for this one, but after about 30 minutes in the wind, I changed my mind as to the wisdom of that course of action. So, I walked to my car, thinking I was going to put some books away, warm up for a second, then give it another try outside again. That never came.
As I watched the finches dance about in the skeletons of bushes, thinking about Creation and its purpose, I was again struck by the fact that it is all for me. This needs explanation, but to verify the truth of it, all one needs to do is open to Genesis and see how many people were originally made. Did Adam not look around and, overwhelmed by love exclaim, "You did this all for me?!?" What else can arouse a deeper humility than this fact? What can arouse a deeper love for You? How can we understand Your love to be any less than this? This is the revelation that draws us to You, eager to respond to such extravagant love.
Then the question came: how do I respond? The answer: by letting You love me. It is an answer that is hard to swallow, and one that must be lived into every day, but it is the correct answer. It is the only "selfish" act that is good. In terms of selfishness, think about the root of selfishness. Is it not born from a fear that we aren't loved like this and must therefore grab onto everything we can in order to ensure that we are "taken care of?" But if we simply allowed God's ever-knocking love entrance into our barricaded hearts, this love that created a universe for each one of us, would selfishness ever again be a problem? Perfect love drives out all fear, particularly the fear that we are on our own, unloved and forgotten, and must therefore fend for ourselves. And this is the love that so overwhelms us that we can do no other than to pour it out onto everyone around us. This is the love that creates unwavering trust so that we can follow the Extravagant Lover without hesitation. This is the love that is the "beauty that saves the world." All we have to do is let Him in. There is the question of how this is done, but only He can answer that because, in the particulars, it is different for each one of us. We are individual creations of love, and He will meet each of us in an individual way. If we want the "how" answered, deeply asking is the only thing to do.
If I live out nothing else from this retreat, let me ALWAYS live this, and ALWAYS return to it when I stray.
1/17/2011
8:25 PM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 2
And in bursting love, You said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" This new something, this bearer and revealer of beauty, erupted forth in rolling torrents of inexpressible expression! Vivid wonderful engulfed the empty, danced with darkness. It was the color of the laughter of God, every shade and hue and none of them. The Trio of One exulted in what tHEy had done! In celebration, tHEy shouted, "This is GOOD!"
Then came sky, then land. The waters trembled in anticipation, and from their depths land exploded as the Master Musician continued His symphony. The Wild continued to indulge His creation-passion, singing forth mountains, vast-ening grasslands, plunging His hands into the earth and clawing canyons into chasmic life. Then came wildflowers, fields of embodied light, and wisdom shot forth as trees! Beauty!, but unfinished.
Birds, singing poets; equine grandeur; feline grace; canine compassion; porpoise-ful play...I am here, I am here, I am here...and here, and here, and here. Where am I not? Only where there is not. I am everywhere! I AM! And then a velvety blanket of hush enfolds Creation. The symphonic tension builds in silence. All of His energy is focused on one something. Every fiber of every fiber is aquiver in agonized expectation. Drops of love cascade from Him as He strives and cries and pries from Himself the deepest of His creation. He puts His mouth to this mystery and breathes. He stands back, and amazed Creation gasps: He put Himself into a self! He made a he! How did He do this wonder? The Creator looked love into His child and sighed in delight.
"But wait," He said. "There's more!" Adam lost a rib, and all Creation exclaimed, "Beautiful!", Adam loudest of all.
But as any lover knows, pain stands always near. The first pain was angelic rebellion, jealous for a throne. This dark light fell and sought revenge. "I will strike at Your heart," the vermin said. "I will teach You a lesson." He caressed and cajoled and convinced the two that they could do what he could not: become like God. They bit, and Creation roared in excruciation. The Lover rent His garment in two and fell to His knees. "What have you done?!" he sobbed. Evil laughed and slithered away, thinking it had won. The earth and the heavens shuttered from the mortal blow, disintegrating as the disease permeated all things, the chaos infection. Creation groaned as the throes of death came upon her. He soothed her. "All is not lost. I will save you. I will become one of them and lead them home."
It seems I've lost the inspiration, but as Creation cries out to me, "I need you, I need you, I need you," You whisper to me, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" You say it in everything, always, everywhere. You want to immerse me in Your love, overflow it into me. God, I want this, too, and as much as I wish I could just say "Yes" once and for all, it is an every-moment embodied utterance that is required, a continued repetition forever. Draw me in and open my heart ever more to You, Abba!
10:07 AM
Three Degrees #3
Beginning with contemplative prayer was a good call, Jesus. Thank You. Contemplative prayer actually helps in other types of prayer because it helps me see distractions for what they are and how to handle them. Focus is more easily maintained.
For this prayer period, the third degree of humility was the emphasis. The constant refrain was: You were Created to Walk this Life. It was repeated throughout the time. Although I think You say this to us all, it was definitely meant specifically for me. That "you" was not general but very particular. The "created" piece implied choice in the matter, though true purpose is found only in walking Your life in my shoes, Jesus, so though it is sometimes difficult to carry this through, there really is no alternative. The "walk" portion struck me as one of movement in the midst of abiding, that in order to rest in You I must walk with You. Resting is not a stationary activity. the "life" portion says that it is comprehensive, that the life is not a series of events that meet certain "holy" criteria, but that it is all-encompassing. It also spoke to me of energy, vibrancy, fun, adventure, electricity, color, beauty, joy, love.
I tried to figure out everything about how it is to look, but it is an invitation, not a map. Besides, I am already walking it to some degree; You're simply inviting me to more. At the moment, I'm scared that I will leave and forget. Trust is always my biggest obstacle with You; help me to trust that You will continue what here You have begun.
Finally, last night needs to be documented. There are some things to consider, for the full-body sensation I had as I sat with You, staring into the fire, was that this ........ idea is no fanciful imagining. It seemed very much like something towards which You are beckoning me. It would unite the vocation as teacher and, for lack of a better word, unifier. I really think I need to undergo some serious discernment regarding all this entails. It is a rather important issue in that it seems to be a matter of good vs. best, and I want best, that is, to walk with You in everything. Open my eyes, ears, and heart here.
1/17/2011
4:54 PM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 1 (another of Ignatius' creations that I'm not going to write out...deal with it.)
I purposed to walk the grounds, stand on a hillside and look out toward the west for this one, but after about 30 minutes in the wind, I changed my mind as to the wisdom of that course of action. So, I walked to my car, thinking I was going to put some books away, warm up for a second, then give it another try outside again. That never came.
As I watched the finches dance about in the skeletons of bushes, thinking about Creation and its purpose, I was again struck by the fact that it is all for me. This needs explanation, but to verify the truth of it, all one needs to do is open to Genesis and see how many people were originally made. Did Adam not look around and, overwhelmed by love exclaim, "You did this all for me?!?" What else can arouse a deeper humility than this fact? What can arouse a deeper love for You? How can we understand Your love to be any less than this? This is the revelation that draws us to You, eager to respond to such extravagant love.
Then the question came: how do I respond? The answer: by letting You love me. It is an answer that is hard to swallow, and one that must be lived into every day, but it is the correct answer. It is the only "selfish" act that is good. In terms of selfishness, think about the root of selfishness. Is it not born from a fear that we aren't loved like this and must therefore grab onto everything we can in order to ensure that we are "taken care of?" But if we simply allowed God's ever-knocking love entrance into our barricaded hearts, this love that created a universe for each one of us, would selfishness ever again be a problem? Perfect love drives out all fear, particularly the fear that we are on our own, unloved and forgotten, and must therefore fend for ourselves. And this is the love that so overwhelms us that we can do no other than to pour it out onto everyone around us. This is the love that creates unwavering trust so that we can follow the Extravagant Lover without hesitation. This is the love that is the "beauty that saves the world." All we have to do is let Him in. There is the question of how this is done, but only He can answer that because, in the particulars, it is different for each one of us. We are individual creations of love, and He will meet each of us in an individual way. If we want the "how" answered, deeply asking is the only thing to do.
If I live out nothing else from this retreat, let me ALWAYS live this, and ALWAYS return to it when I stray.
1/17/2011
8:25 PM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 2
And in bursting love, You said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" This new something, this bearer and revealer of beauty, erupted forth in rolling torrents of inexpressible expression! Vivid wonderful engulfed the empty, danced with darkness. It was the color of the laughter of God, every shade and hue and none of them. The Trio of One exulted in what tHEy had done! In celebration, tHEy shouted, "This is GOOD!"
Then came sky, then land. The waters trembled in anticipation, and from their depths land exploded as the Master Musician continued His symphony. The Wild continued to indulge His creation-passion, singing forth mountains, vast-ening grasslands, plunging His hands into the earth and clawing canyons into chasmic life. Then came wildflowers, fields of embodied light, and wisdom shot forth as trees! Beauty!, but unfinished.
Birds, singing poets; equine grandeur; feline grace; canine compassion; porpoise-ful play...I am here, I am here, I am here...and here, and here, and here. Where am I not? Only where there is not. I am everywhere! I AM! And then a velvety blanket of hush enfolds Creation. The symphonic tension builds in silence. All of His energy is focused on one something. Every fiber of every fiber is aquiver in agonized expectation. Drops of love cascade from Him as He strives and cries and pries from Himself the deepest of His creation. He puts His mouth to this mystery and breathes. He stands back, and amazed Creation gasps: He put Himself into a self! He made a he! How did He do this wonder? The Creator looked love into His child and sighed in delight.
"But wait," He said. "There's more!" Adam lost a rib, and all Creation exclaimed, "Beautiful!", Adam loudest of all.
But as any lover knows, pain stands always near. The first pain was angelic rebellion, jealous for a throne. This dark light fell and sought revenge. "I will strike at Your heart," the vermin said. "I will teach You a lesson." He caressed and cajoled and convinced the two that they could do what he could not: become like God. They bit, and Creation roared in excruciation. The Lover rent His garment in two and fell to His knees. "What have you done?!" he sobbed. Evil laughed and slithered away, thinking it had won. The earth and the heavens shuttered from the mortal blow, disintegrating as the disease permeated all things, the chaos infection. Creation groaned as the throes of death came upon her. He soothed her. "All is not lost. I will save you. I will become one of them and lead them home."
It seems I've lost the inspiration, but as Creation cries out to me, "I need you, I need you, I need you," You whisper to me, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" You say it in everything, always, everywhere. You want to immerse me in Your love, overflow it into me. God, I want this, too, and as much as I wish I could just say "Yes" once and for all, it is an every-moment embodied utterance that is required, a continued repetition forever. Draw me in and open my heart ever more to You, Abba!
Ignatian Retreat, Day Five
1/16/2011
3:41 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Three Degrees of Humility
The Three Kinds or Degrees of Humility
The First Kind: This is necessary for salvation. It consists in this, that as far as possible I so subject and humble myself as to obey the law of God our Lord and in all things, so that not even were I made lord of all creation, or to save my life here on earth, would I consent to violate a commandment, whether divine or human, that binds me under pain of mortal sin.
The Second Kind: This is more perfect than the first. I possess it if my attitude of mind is such that I neither desire nor am I inclined to have riches rather than poverty, to seek honor rather than dishonor, to desire a long life rather than a short life, provided only in either alternative I would promote equally the service of God our Lord and the salvation of my soul. Besides this indifference, this second kind of humility supposes that not for all creation, nor to save my life, would I consent to commit a venial sin.
The Third Kind: This is the most perfect kind of humility. It consists in this. If we suppose the first and second kind attained, then whenever the praise and glory of the Divine Majesty would be equally served, in order to imitate and be in reality more like Christ our Lord, I desire and choose poverty with Christ poor, rather than riches; insults with Christ loaded with them, rather than honors; I desire to be accounted as worthless and a fool for Christ, rather than to be esteemed as wise and prudent in this world. So Christ was treated before me.
Explanatory Note: These are translations of the original wording of Ignatius; I was given an expanded commentary written by my director on which to meditate.
Entry:
There may be several entries for this exercise because of its appeal to me. I simply desire to remain in prayer with You concerning it. I was drawn by a line in Father Gene's commentary on the Three Degrees in his elaboration of the First Kind of Humility. It reads, "When I ponder everything that God has given me and think of how God supports me in everything I do, how else can I respond?" It refers to the avoidance of serious sin, but it has much greater import than that. It relates to all three degrees, to all of life. When I think of that, of how much You must love me just to have created me and how, in a very real sense, all that is created is for me, how else can I respond but to offer my life to You as a gift, a loving sacrifice? What is the point of doing anything else, and why would I want to do anything else? Now, it's easy to feel this and to write these words in the sweet comfort of the retreat house, but it is much harder to live this out in everyday life. This awareness that You are calling me to, the always-everywhere-ness of You, needs to be cultivated in order to live in this way. And there are desires I have that compete with this ultimate desire: to walk through life with a companion, to do meaningful work for You that also energizes me, to be better than I am, to enjoy the beauty and wildness of Creation, to be known truly. All of these at times become disordered for me, and probably more than I care to admit or even recognize. The only way I know to keep them in line is to actively seek to desire You more and to see You everywhere and always with me. I need not worry about the deep desires in me; they are from You, and as I follow You, You will lovingly and joyfully gift them. And if not, so be it, for the ultimate desire I have is You. I must have You, Abba, and I want to have You have me. Keep me on this path.
1/16/2011
9:56 PM
Second Time with the Three Degrees
Immediately before beginning this entry, I chanced to read a letter of Mother Teresa's. Will I ever be like these saints I so admire? Will I ever be like You? When I look at how much I fight myself to give in, or how weakly I fight, or how I ignore the fight, it doesn't encourage me. This foolish country needs its share of You's in it, those who have sincerely devoted all to follow You, who walk radical obedience to You. I say I want this, but I'm not sure my life bears the truth of this out. In some respects I see it moving in that direction; in others, I simply see no movement. But You know what I do see?!? For the first time, I am starting to see a fairly unique blend of talents and passions in me. I know I tend to get overexcited about things and then just fizzle out, so maybe some of what I'm seeing is only flash-in-the-pan pyrotechnics...but maybe it's not. To walk where You walk, no matter the cost and no matter if I'm doing it in the dark, that is what I want. The difficult part is the small start.
So, because of the hodgepodge of things that came with my second meditation on the Three Degrees, I had to stay away from writing for awhile to give You time to filter out the true from the false. I'm going to try and list here what occurred.
First of all, it took forever to really get "started." When it did, things started flying. For humility's sake, I felt that You emphasized starting the day with contemplative prayer in order to focus myself on You throughout the day. This will take some work, but I feel its necessary because I have a soul-crushing habit of waiting too long to get up and then feeling a false urgency overtaking me and leading me away from prayer. This really does need to change, and it will help me let go of my control of my time as well as focusing me on You and the awareness of You throughout the day.
[sections excluded]
Okay, I think those were the important points there. I'm not going to try to remember anything else because I feel like You brought the necessary things to mind. I'll stop...which is actually a good segue into the post-prayer walk around the grounds. During this walk, You said I need to let go of things quicker and to trust You. Obsessing over a problem doesn't help, and it displays fear and a lack of trust. You told me You loved me, that the problems I deem so primary are indeed problems that You also see and that You want them gone as well, and that we will take care of them...but not just yet. In the meantime, You said, You're much bigger than it all and You are ever near me. I LOVE YOU! Also, I felt the prayers of everyone tonight on the walk more than any other time during the retreat thus far. Okay, I'm spent.
3:41 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Three Degrees of Humility
The Three Kinds or Degrees of Humility
The First Kind: This is necessary for salvation. It consists in this, that as far as possible I so subject and humble myself as to obey the law of God our Lord and in all things, so that not even were I made lord of all creation, or to save my life here on earth, would I consent to violate a commandment, whether divine or human, that binds me under pain of mortal sin.
The Second Kind: This is more perfect than the first. I possess it if my attitude of mind is such that I neither desire nor am I inclined to have riches rather than poverty, to seek honor rather than dishonor, to desire a long life rather than a short life, provided only in either alternative I would promote equally the service of God our Lord and the salvation of my soul. Besides this indifference, this second kind of humility supposes that not for all creation, nor to save my life, would I consent to commit a venial sin.
The Third Kind: This is the most perfect kind of humility. It consists in this. If we suppose the first and second kind attained, then whenever the praise and glory of the Divine Majesty would be equally served, in order to imitate and be in reality more like Christ our Lord, I desire and choose poverty with Christ poor, rather than riches; insults with Christ loaded with them, rather than honors; I desire to be accounted as worthless and a fool for Christ, rather than to be esteemed as wise and prudent in this world. So Christ was treated before me.
Explanatory Note: These are translations of the original wording of Ignatius; I was given an expanded commentary written by my director on which to meditate.
Entry:
There may be several entries for this exercise because of its appeal to me. I simply desire to remain in prayer with You concerning it. I was drawn by a line in Father Gene's commentary on the Three Degrees in his elaboration of the First Kind of Humility. It reads, "When I ponder everything that God has given me and think of how God supports me in everything I do, how else can I respond?" It refers to the avoidance of serious sin, but it has much greater import than that. It relates to all three degrees, to all of life. When I think of that, of how much You must love me just to have created me and how, in a very real sense, all that is created is for me, how else can I respond but to offer my life to You as a gift, a loving sacrifice? What is the point of doing anything else, and why would I want to do anything else? Now, it's easy to feel this and to write these words in the sweet comfort of the retreat house, but it is much harder to live this out in everyday life. This awareness that You are calling me to, the always-everywhere-ness of You, needs to be cultivated in order to live in this way. And there are desires I have that compete with this ultimate desire: to walk through life with a companion, to do meaningful work for You that also energizes me, to be better than I am, to enjoy the beauty and wildness of Creation, to be known truly. All of these at times become disordered for me, and probably more than I care to admit or even recognize. The only way I know to keep them in line is to actively seek to desire You more and to see You everywhere and always with me. I need not worry about the deep desires in me; they are from You, and as I follow You, You will lovingly and joyfully gift them. And if not, so be it, for the ultimate desire I have is You. I must have You, Abba, and I want to have You have me. Keep me on this path.
1/16/2011
9:56 PM
Second Time with the Three Degrees
Immediately before beginning this entry, I chanced to read a letter of Mother Teresa's. Will I ever be like these saints I so admire? Will I ever be like You? When I look at how much I fight myself to give in, or how weakly I fight, or how I ignore the fight, it doesn't encourage me. This foolish country needs its share of You's in it, those who have sincerely devoted all to follow You, who walk radical obedience to You. I say I want this, but I'm not sure my life bears the truth of this out. In some respects I see it moving in that direction; in others, I simply see no movement. But You know what I do see?!? For the first time, I am starting to see a fairly unique blend of talents and passions in me. I know I tend to get overexcited about things and then just fizzle out, so maybe some of what I'm seeing is only flash-in-the-pan pyrotechnics...but maybe it's not. To walk where You walk, no matter the cost and no matter if I'm doing it in the dark, that is what I want. The difficult part is the small start.
So, because of the hodgepodge of things that came with my second meditation on the Three Degrees, I had to stay away from writing for awhile to give You time to filter out the true from the false. I'm going to try and list here what occurred.
First of all, it took forever to really get "started." When it did, things started flying. For humility's sake, I felt that You emphasized starting the day with contemplative prayer in order to focus myself on You throughout the day. This will take some work, but I feel its necessary because I have a soul-crushing habit of waiting too long to get up and then feeling a false urgency overtaking me and leading me away from prayer. This really does need to change, and it will help me let go of my control of my time as well as focusing me on You and the awareness of You throughout the day.
[sections excluded]
Okay, I think those were the important points there. I'm not going to try to remember anything else because I feel like You brought the necessary things to mind. I'll stop...which is actually a good segue into the post-prayer walk around the grounds. During this walk, You said I need to let go of things quicker and to trust You. Obsessing over a problem doesn't help, and it displays fear and a lack of trust. You told me You loved me, that the problems I deem so primary are indeed problems that You also see and that You want them gone as well, and that we will take care of them...but not just yet. In the meantime, You said, You're much bigger than it all and You are ever near me. I LOVE YOU! Also, I felt the prayers of everyone tonight on the walk more than any other time during the retreat thus far. Okay, I'm spent.
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