Ignatian Retreat, Day 7

1/18/2011
7:35 AM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 3

Suscipe

Take, LORD, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.
To you, LORD, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me.

--Ignatius of Loyola

This is such a dangerous prayer, and yet for the one who would love You and be loved by You, it is the necessary one. I have been fighting through this one for a long time, it seems, particularly in the area of my desires, and more particularly in my romantic desires. I feel like I fought through and surrendered these to You this morning in a more honest way than I ever have to date. I'm still scared of what it will mean, who it will mean, but this is what it takes to let You love me, so I will continue to surrender all of this to You, to let You past my fear-constructed barricades. I love You, Abba-Brother-Friend, and I'm trying to wholly surrender to Your love for me.


1/18/2011
11:05 AM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 4

It is beautiful outside today. Thank You for this. Warm, slight breeze...another typical Colorado January. I find that, as my time here at the retreat draws to a close, I'm ambivalent. On one hand, I'm excited to talk with friends again, to get back to a few of the things I love, but I'm a little dejected, too. I want everyone to walk with You like this, to see more clearly who You are, to have You tell them over and over how much You love them in a setting where they can't easily run from Your voice to the false safety of distraction. I want to share this, share the adventurous loving mystery that is You with all those dear to me, and I fear that, as has happened so many times before, they will listen politely and maybe even excitedly but will nonetheless turn away and go about their lives thinking "how nice this would be, but I'm..." But you're what? When it comes to You, what is a good excuse? This is not a vacation, but a vital time of restfully difficult work. How badly do you want to know God and want Him to know you? How important is it in the grand scheme of things? You don't have all of eternity for this; you have now. I get frustrated at how passionate I get about this because it feels like I'm being self-righteous or condescending or even cruel. Where it is one of these, forgive me, but is it not more accurately termed 'compassion'? If I'm this worked up about it, what must You feel in Your depthless love? How much do You yearn to meet, really meet, with Your children? But it must come from desire. Little tastes of You here and there are fine if they awaken that ravenous hunger for You that lies buried within us all, but to try and suffice on little tastes alone is a sure road to starvation.

As for the second time of prayer this morning, I was taken aback; 'troubled' would be the word. As I contemplated Your loving presence in its ultimate form, You Jesus, I became baffled by the Cross. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try. I deeply know and strive to live the fact that You became one of us and showed us how to live, how to follow Abba. I know that Your faithfulness led You to the Cross, that somehow this was necessary to repair the rift caused by sin and to mortally wound Satan and death. I get that Your resurrection opened the door to God and imparted new and forever life to all those who would follow You (not simply assent to the truth of the facts about You, but live the ramifications of who You are). You are transforming Your true children daily, making them into utterly unique incarnations of You as we allow Your love entrance into our lives. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why the Cross? All the theories of atonement and whatever else don't come close to answering whatever it is I'm asking. Fortunately, my understanding is not required to believe and to follow You, and I don't doubt You and Your love for me for a moment. I love that I am loved by You; I love You.


1/18/2011
4:22 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 14

This was not a pleasant time. It is currently difficult to be with You in the realm of the imagination, and that I deeply lament, but You remain ever-near, and in that I greatly rejoice. Even writing about it gladdens my heart and imparts a great sweetness. You are wonderful! What gives me hope is simply who You are, and I know that You will eventually heal or destroy whatever is wrong with me. You said as much on the walk back from the sentinel gazebo, along with just saying that You love me. Those words are honey, but what was even more deeply soothing and sweet was Your presence, knowing that You were and are walking beside me even as I feel like I'm deeply wounding You. Thank You.

It wasn't all painful, however. I stopped and spent time with John 14:19b: "Because I live, you also will live." I explored the capacities of the resurrection body. I imagined that food will taste unbearably wonderful with my purified senses; my mind will be purified and forever pure and will be able to comprehend and retain and explore with unimaginable facility; who knows what else will be possible. Rough-housing with lions and bears? The greatest thing, though, was the constant awareness of and communion with You. I imagined unadulterated and unmediated presence! You are always explicitly present to my consciousness, and You give me joyous work to do! And for all I imagine, the reality is so much greater, I know. Yeah, that sounds good; I'll have that.


1/18/2011
7:57 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 15

I spent a bit of time with the copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" that hangs in the conference room here. Though nothing much came from the short time of reflection on the image, it did seem that You were saying something to the effect that I need new images to replace the old ones, good ones to replace the bad ones. It makes sense. I trust that You'll help me find what I need.

I was certainly more reluctant to begin this prayer time with You for fear of an attack from the enemy. I suspect that this is precisely what he was betting on, but if nothing else, I know the worst thing I could do, now or ever, is to stay away from You, particularly if the distance is due to fear. As You said earlier, the enemy and his kind may be devious, but they're not altogether too bright whenever Your brilliance is involved. So thank You for that.

The focus of this time was exactly what You wanted it to be: love each other as You have loved us. How have You loved us? As the Father has loved and loves You. This means presence and searching intimacy, a complete through-and-through love. The love between You and Abba is such that You act in utter harmony, as One. The only way such is possible is through intimacy, and the only way intimacy can be acquired is through deep presence. It's not proximity that is important, though that is part of it, but it is being present and open to the other in my midst with all faculties engaged. Love will manifest itself externally for different people in different ways at different times, but the only way it will genuinely manifest itself is through intimate, responsive presence. Such presence will be concurrently open to You and to the other, and it is here that fruit is borne. I have had periods when I've been "good" at this, and the few days before this retreat was one of those periods, but in general for the past year or more, this hasn't been the case. Thank You for revelations and reminders.

What is of further significance and absolutely vital is that we must remain in Your love. As You showed me a day or two ago, remaining in Your love is a restful act, but it is a rest that involves activity in the form of walking with You. It is not simply a sitting around, waiting, and meditating, although that is a necessary part of it. Love is active; You are active; we too must be active so far as we remain in You. If we do not remain in You, we are dead branches, fruitless skeletons walking about offering shriveled grapes to the starving in our midst while they laugh at us and taunt us for thinking we're still alive.

Finally, we are Your friends. We offer obedient love not as servants but as friends. If the master asks a servant to do something, it is done out of compulsion, obligation. If a friend asks something of a friend, the request is obeyed in joyful love. We need a new understanding of the kind of obedience to which our greatest and dearest friend calls us. If we want to be, we are the dear and intimate friends of God Himself, the Creator and Extravagant Lover. I will end. Abba, I thank You for the new name You've given me to call You, and I love You.


1/18/2011
10:36 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 16

We landed on the last verses of John 16: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." In other words, if the message hasn't been received loud and clear already, You are saying, "Stick with Me!"

I thought I heard You this time, and You said that tomorrow, You and me are going to walk out of here and go back into the world. It then seemed You said that You are going to lead me someplace I'd rather not go, but all would be well and that I must simply trust You. My time is not my own, nor is my life. If these are truly Your words for tomorrow, help me let You love me. If they don't have to do with tomorrow in the literal sense, they are true nonetheless, so again, help me let You love me.

Also on my walk tonight, two things seem important to record. First, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me what to send to everyone. Second, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me where I should start as I transition back into my "normal" life. Love.