1/19/2011
6:43 AM
I am not ready to leave today, and I think I've touched on the reason why, at least part of it. Looking back, it feels as though my time here has spanned but half a breath, and only the inhalation. You have inspired in the root meaning of the word. That is the joy and the fear of it, though. You love me enough to breathe deeply into me, but will I simply hold my breath rather than exhale, killing the life-infusing power of Your breath and myself in the process? If only eight days could see me emerge from here with the cementing experience of eighty years. There wouldn't be much fun in that, though. Yet in the idea there is the recognition of the truth that what You have only begun here will take a life-filled life to enflesh, and there's always the possibility that I'll cower in the face of adversity's temptation. There's no doubt: I will; it is only 'we' who won't. The thing now is to not try and live everything at once; we are to start where You say to start, and to do so vigorously. But it is to be remembered that even a vigorous start must still begin with one step.
1/19/2011
8:21 AM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 17
To come back to John 17 is a wonderful way to conclude the retreat. It's as it should be. It's You praying protection over me as I leave, praying that I would come to know You as deeply as You and Abba know one another, fighting for me that that I would let You love me. All of this is for my sake, for the sake of everyone else, and for Your sake. We're all winners when I come to You. And this is eternal life! It is no distant future. It is here to be entered into now and every now always, becaus eternal life is that I "may know [Abba], the only true God, and You Jesus, the one he has sent." (John 17:3) The simplicity and yet the utterly incomprehensible vastness of that, and right here for the living. Thank You with all of me, and I will thank You with all of me. I know Your protective and encompassing love is all around, in, and through me as I go today. Continue to increase my awareness of Your everywhere-ness, and give me the grace to ever continue opening to Your love. In Your name, Abba-Brother-Friend, Amen.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day 7
1/18/2011
7:35 AM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 3
Suscipe
Take, LORD, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, LORD, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me.
--Ignatius of Loyola
This is such a dangerous prayer, and yet for the one who would love You and be loved by You, it is the necessary one. I have been fighting through this one for a long time, it seems, particularly in the area of my desires, and more particularly in my romantic desires. I feel like I fought through and surrendered these to You this morning in a more honest way than I ever have to date. I'm still scared of what it will mean, who it will mean, but this is what it takes to let You love me, so I will continue to surrender all of this to You, to let You past my fear-constructed barricades. I love You, Abba-Brother-Friend, and I'm trying to wholly surrender to Your love for me.
1/18/2011
11:05 AM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 4
It is beautiful outside today. Thank You for this. Warm, slight breeze...another typical Colorado January. I find that, as my time here at the retreat draws to a close, I'm ambivalent. On one hand, I'm excited to talk with friends again, to get back to a few of the things I love, but I'm a little dejected, too. I want everyone to walk with You like this, to see more clearly who You are, to have You tell them over and over how much You love them in a setting where they can't easily run from Your voice to the false safety of distraction. I want to share this, share the adventurous loving mystery that is You with all those dear to me, and I fear that, as has happened so many times before, they will listen politely and maybe even excitedly but will nonetheless turn away and go about their lives thinking "how nice this would be, but I'm..." But you're what? When it comes to You, what is a good excuse? This is not a vacation, but a vital time of restfully difficult work. How badly do you want to know God and want Him to know you? How important is it in the grand scheme of things? You don't have all of eternity for this; you have now. I get frustrated at how passionate I get about this because it feels like I'm being self-righteous or condescending or even cruel. Where it is one of these, forgive me, but is it not more accurately termed 'compassion'? If I'm this worked up about it, what must You feel in Your depthless love? How much do You yearn to meet, really meet, with Your children? But it must come from desire. Little tastes of You here and there are fine if they awaken that ravenous hunger for You that lies buried within us all, but to try and suffice on little tastes alone is a sure road to starvation.
As for the second time of prayer this morning, I was taken aback; 'troubled' would be the word. As I contemplated Your loving presence in its ultimate form, You Jesus, I became baffled by the Cross. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try. I deeply know and strive to live the fact that You became one of us and showed us how to live, how to follow Abba. I know that Your faithfulness led You to the Cross, that somehow this was necessary to repair the rift caused by sin and to mortally wound Satan and death. I get that Your resurrection opened the door to God and imparted new and forever life to all those who would follow You (not simply assent to the truth of the facts about You, but live the ramifications of who You are). You are transforming Your true children daily, making them into utterly unique incarnations of You as we allow Your love entrance into our lives. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why the Cross? All the theories of atonement and whatever else don't come close to answering whatever it is I'm asking. Fortunately, my understanding is not required to believe and to follow You, and I don't doubt You and Your love for me for a moment. I love that I am loved by You; I love You.
1/18/2011
4:22 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 14
This was not a pleasant time. It is currently difficult to be with You in the realm of the imagination, and that I deeply lament, but You remain ever-near, and in that I greatly rejoice. Even writing about it gladdens my heart and imparts a great sweetness. You are wonderful! What gives me hope is simply who You are, and I know that You will eventually heal or destroy whatever is wrong with me. You said as much on the walk back from the sentinel gazebo, along with just saying that You love me. Those words are honey, but what was even more deeply soothing and sweet was Your presence, knowing that You were and are walking beside me even as I feel like I'm deeply wounding You. Thank You.
It wasn't all painful, however. I stopped and spent time with John 14:19b: "Because I live, you also will live." I explored the capacities of the resurrection body. I imagined that food will taste unbearably wonderful with my purified senses; my mind will be purified and forever pure and will be able to comprehend and retain and explore with unimaginable facility; who knows what else will be possible. Rough-housing with lions and bears? The greatest thing, though, was the constant awareness of and communion with You. I imagined unadulterated and unmediated presence! You are always explicitly present to my consciousness, and You give me joyous work to do! And for all I imagine, the reality is so much greater, I know. Yeah, that sounds good; I'll have that.
1/18/2011
7:57 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 15
I spent a bit of time with the copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" that hangs in the conference room here. Though nothing much came from the short time of reflection on the image, it did seem that You were saying something to the effect that I need new images to replace the old ones, good ones to replace the bad ones. It makes sense. I trust that You'll help me find what I need.
I was certainly more reluctant to begin this prayer time with You for fear of an attack from the enemy. I suspect that this is precisely what he was betting on, but if nothing else, I know the worst thing I could do, now or ever, is to stay away from You, particularly if the distance is due to fear. As You said earlier, the enemy and his kind may be devious, but they're not altogether too bright whenever Your brilliance is involved. So thank You for that.
The focus of this time was exactly what You wanted it to be: love each other as You have loved us. How have You loved us? As the Father has loved and loves You. This means presence and searching intimacy, a complete through-and-through love. The love between You and Abba is such that You act in utter harmony, as One. The only way such is possible is through intimacy, and the only way intimacy can be acquired is through deep presence. It's not proximity that is important, though that is part of it, but it is being present and open to the other in my midst with all faculties engaged. Love will manifest itself externally for different people in different ways at different times, but the only way it will genuinely manifest itself is through intimate, responsive presence. Such presence will be concurrently open to You and to the other, and it is here that fruit is borne. I have had periods when I've been "good" at this, and the few days before this retreat was one of those periods, but in general for the past year or more, this hasn't been the case. Thank You for revelations and reminders.
What is of further significance and absolutely vital is that we must remain in Your love. As You showed me a day or two ago, remaining in Your love is a restful act, but it is a rest that involves activity in the form of walking with You. It is not simply a sitting around, waiting, and meditating, although that is a necessary part of it. Love is active; You are active; we too must be active so far as we remain in You. If we do not remain in You, we are dead branches, fruitless skeletons walking about offering shriveled grapes to the starving in our midst while they laugh at us and taunt us for thinking we're still alive.
Finally, we are Your friends. We offer obedient love not as servants but as friends. If the master asks a servant to do something, it is done out of compulsion, obligation. If a friend asks something of a friend, the request is obeyed in joyful love. We need a new understanding of the kind of obedience to which our greatest and dearest friend calls us. If we want to be, we are the dear and intimate friends of God Himself, the Creator and Extravagant Lover. I will end. Abba, I thank You for the new name You've given me to call You, and I love You.
1/18/2011
10:36 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 16
We landed on the last verses of John 16: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." In other words, if the message hasn't been received loud and clear already, You are saying, "Stick with Me!"
I thought I heard You this time, and You said that tomorrow, You and me are going to walk out of here and go back into the world. It then seemed You said that You are going to lead me someplace I'd rather not go, but all would be well and that I must simply trust You. My time is not my own, nor is my life. If these are truly Your words for tomorrow, help me let You love me. If they don't have to do with tomorrow in the literal sense, they are true nonetheless, so again, help me let You love me.
Also on my walk tonight, two things seem important to record. First, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me what to send to everyone. Second, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me where I should start as I transition back into my "normal" life. Love.
7:35 AM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 3
Suscipe
Take, LORD, and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding
and my entire will,
All I have and call my own.
You have given all to me.
To you, LORD, I return it.
Everything is yours; do with it what you will.
Give me only your love and your grace,
That is enough for me.
--Ignatius of Loyola
This is such a dangerous prayer, and yet for the one who would love You and be loved by You, it is the necessary one. I have been fighting through this one for a long time, it seems, particularly in the area of my desires, and more particularly in my romantic desires. I feel like I fought through and surrendered these to You this morning in a more honest way than I ever have to date. I'm still scared of what it will mean, who it will mean, but this is what it takes to let You love me, so I will continue to surrender all of this to You, to let You past my fear-constructed barricades. I love You, Abba-Brother-Friend, and I'm trying to wholly surrender to Your love for me.
1/18/2011
11:05 AM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 4
It is beautiful outside today. Thank You for this. Warm, slight breeze...another typical Colorado January. I find that, as my time here at the retreat draws to a close, I'm ambivalent. On one hand, I'm excited to talk with friends again, to get back to a few of the things I love, but I'm a little dejected, too. I want everyone to walk with You like this, to see more clearly who You are, to have You tell them over and over how much You love them in a setting where they can't easily run from Your voice to the false safety of distraction. I want to share this, share the adventurous loving mystery that is You with all those dear to me, and I fear that, as has happened so many times before, they will listen politely and maybe even excitedly but will nonetheless turn away and go about their lives thinking "how nice this would be, but I'm..." But you're what? When it comes to You, what is a good excuse? This is not a vacation, but a vital time of restfully difficult work. How badly do you want to know God and want Him to know you? How important is it in the grand scheme of things? You don't have all of eternity for this; you have now. I get frustrated at how passionate I get about this because it feels like I'm being self-righteous or condescending or even cruel. Where it is one of these, forgive me, but is it not more accurately termed 'compassion'? If I'm this worked up about it, what must You feel in Your depthless love? How much do You yearn to meet, really meet, with Your children? But it must come from desire. Little tastes of You here and there are fine if they awaken that ravenous hunger for You that lies buried within us all, but to try and suffice on little tastes alone is a sure road to starvation.
As for the second time of prayer this morning, I was taken aback; 'troubled' would be the word. As I contemplated Your loving presence in its ultimate form, You Jesus, I became baffled by the Cross. I don't know how to explain this, but I'll try. I deeply know and strive to live the fact that You became one of us and showed us how to live, how to follow Abba. I know that Your faithfulness led You to the Cross, that somehow this was necessary to repair the rift caused by sin and to mortally wound Satan and death. I get that Your resurrection opened the door to God and imparted new and forever life to all those who would follow You (not simply assent to the truth of the facts about You, but live the ramifications of who You are). You are transforming Your true children daily, making them into utterly unique incarnations of You as we allow Your love entrance into our lives. But what I cannot wrap my head around is why the Cross? All the theories of atonement and whatever else don't come close to answering whatever it is I'm asking. Fortunately, my understanding is not required to believe and to follow You, and I don't doubt You and Your love for me for a moment. I love that I am loved by You; I love You.
1/18/2011
4:22 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 14
This was not a pleasant time. It is currently difficult to be with You in the realm of the imagination, and that I deeply lament, but You remain ever-near, and in that I greatly rejoice. Even writing about it gladdens my heart and imparts a great sweetness. You are wonderful! What gives me hope is simply who You are, and I know that You will eventually heal or destroy whatever is wrong with me. You said as much on the walk back from the sentinel gazebo, along with just saying that You love me. Those words are honey, but what was even more deeply soothing and sweet was Your presence, knowing that You were and are walking beside me even as I feel like I'm deeply wounding You. Thank You.
It wasn't all painful, however. I stopped and spent time with John 14:19b: "Because I live, you also will live." I explored the capacities of the resurrection body. I imagined that food will taste unbearably wonderful with my purified senses; my mind will be purified and forever pure and will be able to comprehend and retain and explore with unimaginable facility; who knows what else will be possible. Rough-housing with lions and bears? The greatest thing, though, was the constant awareness of and communion with You. I imagined unadulterated and unmediated presence! You are always explicitly present to my consciousness, and You give me joyous work to do! And for all I imagine, the reality is so much greater, I know. Yeah, that sounds good; I'll have that.
1/18/2011
7:57 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 15
I spent a bit of time with the copy of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" that hangs in the conference room here. Though nothing much came from the short time of reflection on the image, it did seem that You were saying something to the effect that I need new images to replace the old ones, good ones to replace the bad ones. It makes sense. I trust that You'll help me find what I need.
I was certainly more reluctant to begin this prayer time with You for fear of an attack from the enemy. I suspect that this is precisely what he was betting on, but if nothing else, I know the worst thing I could do, now or ever, is to stay away from You, particularly if the distance is due to fear. As You said earlier, the enemy and his kind may be devious, but they're not altogether too bright whenever Your brilliance is involved. So thank You for that.
The focus of this time was exactly what You wanted it to be: love each other as You have loved us. How have You loved us? As the Father has loved and loves You. This means presence and searching intimacy, a complete through-and-through love. The love between You and Abba is such that You act in utter harmony, as One. The only way such is possible is through intimacy, and the only way intimacy can be acquired is through deep presence. It's not proximity that is important, though that is part of it, but it is being present and open to the other in my midst with all faculties engaged. Love will manifest itself externally for different people in different ways at different times, but the only way it will genuinely manifest itself is through intimate, responsive presence. Such presence will be concurrently open to You and to the other, and it is here that fruit is borne. I have had periods when I've been "good" at this, and the few days before this retreat was one of those periods, but in general for the past year or more, this hasn't been the case. Thank You for revelations and reminders.
What is of further significance and absolutely vital is that we must remain in Your love. As You showed me a day or two ago, remaining in Your love is a restful act, but it is a rest that involves activity in the form of walking with You. It is not simply a sitting around, waiting, and meditating, although that is a necessary part of it. Love is active; You are active; we too must be active so far as we remain in You. If we do not remain in You, we are dead branches, fruitless skeletons walking about offering shriveled grapes to the starving in our midst while they laugh at us and taunt us for thinking we're still alive.
Finally, we are Your friends. We offer obedient love not as servants but as friends. If the master asks a servant to do something, it is done out of compulsion, obligation. If a friend asks something of a friend, the request is obeyed in joyful love. We need a new understanding of the kind of obedience to which our greatest and dearest friend calls us. If we want to be, we are the dear and intimate friends of God Himself, the Creator and Extravagant Lover. I will end. Abba, I thank You for the new name You've given me to call You, and I love You.
1/18/2011
10:36 PM
Walking with the Risen Jesus: John 16
We landed on the last verses of John 16: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." In other words, if the message hasn't been received loud and clear already, You are saying, "Stick with Me!"
I thought I heard You this time, and You said that tomorrow, You and me are going to walk out of here and go back into the world. It then seemed You said that You are going to lead me someplace I'd rather not go, but all would be well and that I must simply trust You. My time is not my own, nor is my life. If these are truly Your words for tomorrow, help me let You love me. If they don't have to do with tomorrow in the literal sense, they are true nonetheless, so again, help me let You love me.
Also on my walk tonight, two things seem important to record. First, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me what to send to everyone. Second, I need to go back through this journal with You and let You show me where I should start as I transition back into my "normal" life. Love.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Six
1/17/2011
10:07 AM
Three Degrees #3
Beginning with contemplative prayer was a good call, Jesus. Thank You. Contemplative prayer actually helps in other types of prayer because it helps me see distractions for what they are and how to handle them. Focus is more easily maintained.
For this prayer period, the third degree of humility was the emphasis. The constant refrain was: You were Created to Walk this Life. It was repeated throughout the time. Although I think You say this to us all, it was definitely meant specifically for me. That "you" was not general but very particular. The "created" piece implied choice in the matter, though true purpose is found only in walking Your life in my shoes, Jesus, so though it is sometimes difficult to carry this through, there really is no alternative. The "walk" portion struck me as one of movement in the midst of abiding, that in order to rest in You I must walk with You. Resting is not a stationary activity. the "life" portion says that it is comprehensive, that the life is not a series of events that meet certain "holy" criteria, but that it is all-encompassing. It also spoke to me of energy, vibrancy, fun, adventure, electricity, color, beauty, joy, love.
I tried to figure out everything about how it is to look, but it is an invitation, not a map. Besides, I am already walking it to some degree; You're simply inviting me to more. At the moment, I'm scared that I will leave and forget. Trust is always my biggest obstacle with You; help me to trust that You will continue what here You have begun.
Finally, last night needs to be documented. There are some things to consider, for the full-body sensation I had as I sat with You, staring into the fire, was that this ........ idea is no fanciful imagining. It seemed very much like something towards which You are beckoning me. It would unite the vocation as teacher and, for lack of a better word, unifier. I really think I need to undergo some serious discernment regarding all this entails. It is a rather important issue in that it seems to be a matter of good vs. best, and I want best, that is, to walk with You in everything. Open my eyes, ears, and heart here.
1/17/2011
4:54 PM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 1 (another of Ignatius' creations that I'm not going to write out...deal with it.)
I purposed to walk the grounds, stand on a hillside and look out toward the west for this one, but after about 30 minutes in the wind, I changed my mind as to the wisdom of that course of action. So, I walked to my car, thinking I was going to put some books away, warm up for a second, then give it another try outside again. That never came.
As I watched the finches dance about in the skeletons of bushes, thinking about Creation and its purpose, I was again struck by the fact that it is all for me. This needs explanation, but to verify the truth of it, all one needs to do is open to Genesis and see how many people were originally made. Did Adam not look around and, overwhelmed by love exclaim, "You did this all for me?!?" What else can arouse a deeper humility than this fact? What can arouse a deeper love for You? How can we understand Your love to be any less than this? This is the revelation that draws us to You, eager to respond to such extravagant love.
Then the question came: how do I respond? The answer: by letting You love me. It is an answer that is hard to swallow, and one that must be lived into every day, but it is the correct answer. It is the only "selfish" act that is good. In terms of selfishness, think about the root of selfishness. Is it not born from a fear that we aren't loved like this and must therefore grab onto everything we can in order to ensure that we are "taken care of?" But if we simply allowed God's ever-knocking love entrance into our barricaded hearts, this love that created a universe for each one of us, would selfishness ever again be a problem? Perfect love drives out all fear, particularly the fear that we are on our own, unloved and forgotten, and must therefore fend for ourselves. And this is the love that so overwhelms us that we can do no other than to pour it out onto everyone around us. This is the love that creates unwavering trust so that we can follow the Extravagant Lover without hesitation. This is the love that is the "beauty that saves the world." All we have to do is let Him in. There is the question of how this is done, but only He can answer that because, in the particulars, it is different for each one of us. We are individual creations of love, and He will meet each of us in an individual way. If we want the "how" answered, deeply asking is the only thing to do.
If I live out nothing else from this retreat, let me ALWAYS live this, and ALWAYS return to it when I stray.
1/17/2011
8:25 PM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 2
And in bursting love, You said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" This new something, this bearer and revealer of beauty, erupted forth in rolling torrents of inexpressible expression! Vivid wonderful engulfed the empty, danced with darkness. It was the color of the laughter of God, every shade and hue and none of them. The Trio of One exulted in what tHEy had done! In celebration, tHEy shouted, "This is GOOD!"
Then came sky, then land. The waters trembled in anticipation, and from their depths land exploded as the Master Musician continued His symphony. The Wild continued to indulge His creation-passion, singing forth mountains, vast-ening grasslands, plunging His hands into the earth and clawing canyons into chasmic life. Then came wildflowers, fields of embodied light, and wisdom shot forth as trees! Beauty!, but unfinished.
Birds, singing poets; equine grandeur; feline grace; canine compassion; porpoise-ful play...I am here, I am here, I am here...and here, and here, and here. Where am I not? Only where there is not. I am everywhere! I AM! And then a velvety blanket of hush enfolds Creation. The symphonic tension builds in silence. All of His energy is focused on one something. Every fiber of every fiber is aquiver in agonized expectation. Drops of love cascade from Him as He strives and cries and pries from Himself the deepest of His creation. He puts His mouth to this mystery and breathes. He stands back, and amazed Creation gasps: He put Himself into a self! He made a he! How did He do this wonder? The Creator looked love into His child and sighed in delight.
"But wait," He said. "There's more!" Adam lost a rib, and all Creation exclaimed, "Beautiful!", Adam loudest of all.
But as any lover knows, pain stands always near. The first pain was angelic rebellion, jealous for a throne. This dark light fell and sought revenge. "I will strike at Your heart," the vermin said. "I will teach You a lesson." He caressed and cajoled and convinced the two that they could do what he could not: become like God. They bit, and Creation roared in excruciation. The Lover rent His garment in two and fell to His knees. "What have you done?!" he sobbed. Evil laughed and slithered away, thinking it had won. The earth and the heavens shuttered from the mortal blow, disintegrating as the disease permeated all things, the chaos infection. Creation groaned as the throes of death came upon her. He soothed her. "All is not lost. I will save you. I will become one of them and lead them home."
It seems I've lost the inspiration, but as Creation cries out to me, "I need you, I need you, I need you," You whisper to me, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" You say it in everything, always, everywhere. You want to immerse me in Your love, overflow it into me. God, I want this, too, and as much as I wish I could just say "Yes" once and for all, it is an every-moment embodied utterance that is required, a continued repetition forever. Draw me in and open my heart ever more to You, Abba!
10:07 AM
Three Degrees #3
Beginning with contemplative prayer was a good call, Jesus. Thank You. Contemplative prayer actually helps in other types of prayer because it helps me see distractions for what they are and how to handle them. Focus is more easily maintained.
For this prayer period, the third degree of humility was the emphasis. The constant refrain was: You were Created to Walk this Life. It was repeated throughout the time. Although I think You say this to us all, it was definitely meant specifically for me. That "you" was not general but very particular. The "created" piece implied choice in the matter, though true purpose is found only in walking Your life in my shoes, Jesus, so though it is sometimes difficult to carry this through, there really is no alternative. The "walk" portion struck me as one of movement in the midst of abiding, that in order to rest in You I must walk with You. Resting is not a stationary activity. the "life" portion says that it is comprehensive, that the life is not a series of events that meet certain "holy" criteria, but that it is all-encompassing. It also spoke to me of energy, vibrancy, fun, adventure, electricity, color, beauty, joy, love.
I tried to figure out everything about how it is to look, but it is an invitation, not a map. Besides, I am already walking it to some degree; You're simply inviting me to more. At the moment, I'm scared that I will leave and forget. Trust is always my biggest obstacle with You; help me to trust that You will continue what here You have begun.
Finally, last night needs to be documented. There are some things to consider, for the full-body sensation I had as I sat with You, staring into the fire, was that this ........ idea is no fanciful imagining. It seemed very much like something towards which You are beckoning me. It would unite the vocation as teacher and, for lack of a better word, unifier. I really think I need to undergo some serious discernment regarding all this entails. It is a rather important issue in that it seems to be a matter of good vs. best, and I want best, that is, to walk with You in everything. Open my eyes, ears, and heart here.
1/17/2011
4:54 PM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 1 (another of Ignatius' creations that I'm not going to write out...deal with it.)
I purposed to walk the grounds, stand on a hillside and look out toward the west for this one, but after about 30 minutes in the wind, I changed my mind as to the wisdom of that course of action. So, I walked to my car, thinking I was going to put some books away, warm up for a second, then give it another try outside again. That never came.
As I watched the finches dance about in the skeletons of bushes, thinking about Creation and its purpose, I was again struck by the fact that it is all for me. This needs explanation, but to verify the truth of it, all one needs to do is open to Genesis and see how many people were originally made. Did Adam not look around and, overwhelmed by love exclaim, "You did this all for me?!?" What else can arouse a deeper humility than this fact? What can arouse a deeper love for You? How can we understand Your love to be any less than this? This is the revelation that draws us to You, eager to respond to such extravagant love.
Then the question came: how do I respond? The answer: by letting You love me. It is an answer that is hard to swallow, and one that must be lived into every day, but it is the correct answer. It is the only "selfish" act that is good. In terms of selfishness, think about the root of selfishness. Is it not born from a fear that we aren't loved like this and must therefore grab onto everything we can in order to ensure that we are "taken care of?" But if we simply allowed God's ever-knocking love entrance into our barricaded hearts, this love that created a universe for each one of us, would selfishness ever again be a problem? Perfect love drives out all fear, particularly the fear that we are on our own, unloved and forgotten, and must therefore fend for ourselves. And this is the love that so overwhelms us that we can do no other than to pour it out onto everyone around us. This is the love that creates unwavering trust so that we can follow the Extravagant Lover without hesitation. This is the love that is the "beauty that saves the world." All we have to do is let Him in. There is the question of how this is done, but only He can answer that because, in the particulars, it is different for each one of us. We are individual creations of love, and He will meet each of us in an individual way. If we want the "how" answered, deeply asking is the only thing to do.
If I live out nothing else from this retreat, let me ALWAYS live this, and ALWAYS return to it when I stray.
1/17/2011
8:25 PM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 2
And in bursting love, You said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" This new something, this bearer and revealer of beauty, erupted forth in rolling torrents of inexpressible expression! Vivid wonderful engulfed the empty, danced with darkness. It was the color of the laughter of God, every shade and hue and none of them. The Trio of One exulted in what tHEy had done! In celebration, tHEy shouted, "This is GOOD!"
Then came sky, then land. The waters trembled in anticipation, and from their depths land exploded as the Master Musician continued His symphony. The Wild continued to indulge His creation-passion, singing forth mountains, vast-ening grasslands, plunging His hands into the earth and clawing canyons into chasmic life. Then came wildflowers, fields of embodied light, and wisdom shot forth as trees! Beauty!, but unfinished.
Birds, singing poets; equine grandeur; feline grace; canine compassion; porpoise-ful play...I am here, I am here, I am here...and here, and here, and here. Where am I not? Only where there is not. I am everywhere! I AM! And then a velvety blanket of hush enfolds Creation. The symphonic tension builds in silence. All of His energy is focused on one something. Every fiber of every fiber is aquiver in agonized expectation. Drops of love cascade from Him as He strives and cries and pries from Himself the deepest of His creation. He puts His mouth to this mystery and breathes. He stands back, and amazed Creation gasps: He put Himself into a self! He made a he! How did He do this wonder? The Creator looked love into His child and sighed in delight.
"But wait," He said. "There's more!" Adam lost a rib, and all Creation exclaimed, "Beautiful!", Adam loudest of all.
But as any lover knows, pain stands always near. The first pain was angelic rebellion, jealous for a throne. This dark light fell and sought revenge. "I will strike at Your heart," the vermin said. "I will teach You a lesson." He caressed and cajoled and convinced the two that they could do what he could not: become like God. They bit, and Creation roared in excruciation. The Lover rent His garment in two and fell to His knees. "What have you done?!" he sobbed. Evil laughed and slithered away, thinking it had won. The earth and the heavens shuttered from the mortal blow, disintegrating as the disease permeated all things, the chaos infection. Creation groaned as the throes of death came upon her. He soothed her. "All is not lost. I will save you. I will become one of them and lead them home."
It seems I've lost the inspiration, but as Creation cries out to me, "I need you, I need you, I need you," You whisper to me, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" You say it in everything, always, everywhere. You want to immerse me in Your love, overflow it into me. God, I want this, too, and as much as I wish I could just say "Yes" once and for all, it is an every-moment embodied utterance that is required, a continued repetition forever. Draw me in and open my heart ever more to You, Abba!
Ignatian Retreat, Day Five
1/16/2011
3:41 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Three Degrees of Humility
The Three Kinds or Degrees of Humility
The First Kind: This is necessary for salvation. It consists in this, that as far as possible I so subject and humble myself as to obey the law of God our Lord and in all things, so that not even were I made lord of all creation, or to save my life here on earth, would I consent to violate a commandment, whether divine or human, that binds me under pain of mortal sin.
The Second Kind: This is more perfect than the first. I possess it if my attitude of mind is such that I neither desire nor am I inclined to have riches rather than poverty, to seek honor rather than dishonor, to desire a long life rather than a short life, provided only in either alternative I would promote equally the service of God our Lord and the salvation of my soul. Besides this indifference, this second kind of humility supposes that not for all creation, nor to save my life, would I consent to commit a venial sin.
The Third Kind: This is the most perfect kind of humility. It consists in this. If we suppose the first and second kind attained, then whenever the praise and glory of the Divine Majesty would be equally served, in order to imitate and be in reality more like Christ our Lord, I desire and choose poverty with Christ poor, rather than riches; insults with Christ loaded with them, rather than honors; I desire to be accounted as worthless and a fool for Christ, rather than to be esteemed as wise and prudent in this world. So Christ was treated before me.
Explanatory Note: These are translations of the original wording of Ignatius; I was given an expanded commentary written by my director on which to meditate.
Entry:
There may be several entries for this exercise because of its appeal to me. I simply desire to remain in prayer with You concerning it. I was drawn by a line in Father Gene's commentary on the Three Degrees in his elaboration of the First Kind of Humility. It reads, "When I ponder everything that God has given me and think of how God supports me in everything I do, how else can I respond?" It refers to the avoidance of serious sin, but it has much greater import than that. It relates to all three degrees, to all of life. When I think of that, of how much You must love me just to have created me and how, in a very real sense, all that is created is for me, how else can I respond but to offer my life to You as a gift, a loving sacrifice? What is the point of doing anything else, and why would I want to do anything else? Now, it's easy to feel this and to write these words in the sweet comfort of the retreat house, but it is much harder to live this out in everyday life. This awareness that You are calling me to, the always-everywhere-ness of You, needs to be cultivated in order to live in this way. And there are desires I have that compete with this ultimate desire: to walk through life with a companion, to do meaningful work for You that also energizes me, to be better than I am, to enjoy the beauty and wildness of Creation, to be known truly. All of these at times become disordered for me, and probably more than I care to admit or even recognize. The only way I know to keep them in line is to actively seek to desire You more and to see You everywhere and always with me. I need not worry about the deep desires in me; they are from You, and as I follow You, You will lovingly and joyfully gift them. And if not, so be it, for the ultimate desire I have is You. I must have You, Abba, and I want to have You have me. Keep me on this path.
1/16/2011
9:56 PM
Second Time with the Three Degrees
Immediately before beginning this entry, I chanced to read a letter of Mother Teresa's. Will I ever be like these saints I so admire? Will I ever be like You? When I look at how much I fight myself to give in, or how weakly I fight, or how I ignore the fight, it doesn't encourage me. This foolish country needs its share of You's in it, those who have sincerely devoted all to follow You, who walk radical obedience to You. I say I want this, but I'm not sure my life bears the truth of this out. In some respects I see it moving in that direction; in others, I simply see no movement. But You know what I do see?!? For the first time, I am starting to see a fairly unique blend of talents and passions in me. I know I tend to get overexcited about things and then just fizzle out, so maybe some of what I'm seeing is only flash-in-the-pan pyrotechnics...but maybe it's not. To walk where You walk, no matter the cost and no matter if I'm doing it in the dark, that is what I want. The difficult part is the small start.
So, because of the hodgepodge of things that came with my second meditation on the Three Degrees, I had to stay away from writing for awhile to give You time to filter out the true from the false. I'm going to try and list here what occurred.
First of all, it took forever to really get "started." When it did, things started flying. For humility's sake, I felt that You emphasized starting the day with contemplative prayer in order to focus myself on You throughout the day. This will take some work, but I feel its necessary because I have a soul-crushing habit of waiting too long to get up and then feeling a false urgency overtaking me and leading me away from prayer. This really does need to change, and it will help me let go of my control of my time as well as focusing me on You and the awareness of You throughout the day.
[sections excluded]
Okay, I think those were the important points there. I'm not going to try to remember anything else because I feel like You brought the necessary things to mind. I'll stop...which is actually a good segue into the post-prayer walk around the grounds. During this walk, You said I need to let go of things quicker and to trust You. Obsessing over a problem doesn't help, and it displays fear and a lack of trust. You told me You loved me, that the problems I deem so primary are indeed problems that You also see and that You want them gone as well, and that we will take care of them...but not just yet. In the meantime, You said, You're much bigger than it all and You are ever near me. I LOVE YOU! Also, I felt the prayers of everyone tonight on the walk more than any other time during the retreat thus far. Okay, I'm spent.
3:41 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Three Degrees of Humility
The Three Kinds or Degrees of Humility
The First Kind: This is necessary for salvation. It consists in this, that as far as possible I so subject and humble myself as to obey the law of God our Lord and in all things, so that not even were I made lord of all creation, or to save my life here on earth, would I consent to violate a commandment, whether divine or human, that binds me under pain of mortal sin.
The Second Kind: This is more perfect than the first. I possess it if my attitude of mind is such that I neither desire nor am I inclined to have riches rather than poverty, to seek honor rather than dishonor, to desire a long life rather than a short life, provided only in either alternative I would promote equally the service of God our Lord and the salvation of my soul. Besides this indifference, this second kind of humility supposes that not for all creation, nor to save my life, would I consent to commit a venial sin.
The Third Kind: This is the most perfect kind of humility. It consists in this. If we suppose the first and second kind attained, then whenever the praise and glory of the Divine Majesty would be equally served, in order to imitate and be in reality more like Christ our Lord, I desire and choose poverty with Christ poor, rather than riches; insults with Christ loaded with them, rather than honors; I desire to be accounted as worthless and a fool for Christ, rather than to be esteemed as wise and prudent in this world. So Christ was treated before me.
Explanatory Note: These are translations of the original wording of Ignatius; I was given an expanded commentary written by my director on which to meditate.
Entry:
There may be several entries for this exercise because of its appeal to me. I simply desire to remain in prayer with You concerning it. I was drawn by a line in Father Gene's commentary on the Three Degrees in his elaboration of the First Kind of Humility. It reads, "When I ponder everything that God has given me and think of how God supports me in everything I do, how else can I respond?" It refers to the avoidance of serious sin, but it has much greater import than that. It relates to all three degrees, to all of life. When I think of that, of how much You must love me just to have created me and how, in a very real sense, all that is created is for me, how else can I respond but to offer my life to You as a gift, a loving sacrifice? What is the point of doing anything else, and why would I want to do anything else? Now, it's easy to feel this and to write these words in the sweet comfort of the retreat house, but it is much harder to live this out in everyday life. This awareness that You are calling me to, the always-everywhere-ness of You, needs to be cultivated in order to live in this way. And there are desires I have that compete with this ultimate desire: to walk through life with a companion, to do meaningful work for You that also energizes me, to be better than I am, to enjoy the beauty and wildness of Creation, to be known truly. All of these at times become disordered for me, and probably more than I care to admit or even recognize. The only way I know to keep them in line is to actively seek to desire You more and to see You everywhere and always with me. I need not worry about the deep desires in me; they are from You, and as I follow You, You will lovingly and joyfully gift them. And if not, so be it, for the ultimate desire I have is You. I must have You, Abba, and I want to have You have me. Keep me on this path.
1/16/2011
9:56 PM
Second Time with the Three Degrees
Immediately before beginning this entry, I chanced to read a letter of Mother Teresa's. Will I ever be like these saints I so admire? Will I ever be like You? When I look at how much I fight myself to give in, or how weakly I fight, or how I ignore the fight, it doesn't encourage me. This foolish country needs its share of You's in it, those who have sincerely devoted all to follow You, who walk radical obedience to You. I say I want this, but I'm not sure my life bears the truth of this out. In some respects I see it moving in that direction; in others, I simply see no movement. But You know what I do see?!? For the first time, I am starting to see a fairly unique blend of talents and passions in me. I know I tend to get overexcited about things and then just fizzle out, so maybe some of what I'm seeing is only flash-in-the-pan pyrotechnics...but maybe it's not. To walk where You walk, no matter the cost and no matter if I'm doing it in the dark, that is what I want. The difficult part is the small start.
So, because of the hodgepodge of things that came with my second meditation on the Three Degrees, I had to stay away from writing for awhile to give You time to filter out the true from the false. I'm going to try and list here what occurred.
First of all, it took forever to really get "started." When it did, things started flying. For humility's sake, I felt that You emphasized starting the day with contemplative prayer in order to focus myself on You throughout the day. This will take some work, but I feel its necessary because I have a soul-crushing habit of waiting too long to get up and then feeling a false urgency overtaking me and leading me away from prayer. This really does need to change, and it will help me let go of my control of my time as well as focusing me on You and the awareness of You throughout the day.
[sections excluded]
Okay, I think those were the important points there. I'm not going to try to remember anything else because I feel like You brought the necessary things to mind. I'll stop...which is actually a good segue into the post-prayer walk around the grounds. During this walk, You said I need to let go of things quicker and to trust You. Obsessing over a problem doesn't help, and it displays fear and a lack of trust. You told me You loved me, that the problems I deem so primary are indeed problems that You also see and that You want them gone as well, and that we will take care of them...but not just yet. In the meantime, You said, You're much bigger than it all and You are ever near me. I LOVE YOU! Also, I felt the prayers of everyone tonight on the walk more than any other time during the retreat thus far. Okay, I'm spent.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Four
1/15/2011
12:32 PM
Entry Title: "Is This for Real?" (More of the Kingdom Prayer)
I'm combining two prayer periods into one journal entry because, in truth, the first prayer time wasn't exactly focused. Part of that was due to the nebulous structure of the prayer, and part of it was due to my own wandering mind. Needless to say, it was frustrating.
The second period was a little better, but still a struggle. The heart of the prayer concerned what the quest given me in the Kingdom Prayer the day before would entail. What would be the obstacles? What would I need to accomplish the task? Some things I determined would be needed were clarity and companions, and really not much else. If You call one to a quest, You give them what is needed to complete it, viz. Your very self. Obstacles I foresaw were egos, distance, lack of desire for the unity You so desire in John 17, and some others that I can't now remember.
The biggest question I have in all of this is (and therefore maybe the biggest obstacle), is this quest merely a part of the fantasy prayer, or is it the real deal? It could most certainly be the real deal, and though I don't know how it would fit with the vocation You've given me as teacher, it is worth serious consideration. You could want me to work at uniting Your Body. I have no idea what's going on, and all of this might simply be a distraction seeking to draw me away from You. Walk with me, Friend-Brother-Lord, and lead me where You want us to go.
1/15/2011
4:39 PM
Untitled
I want to get to a place where prayer is not an obligation, something I must do in order that my relationship with You might grow. It is this, most certainly, but I want to see it more as a joy than a burden. How do I do that? Even as I ask the question, I sense an answer. I notice that when I am with You in prayer, it is not burdensome or toilsome. It is typically wonderful. The struggle I have is not in prayer as much as it is in the usage of my time. It is the same with everything, even enjoyable times. Though I know I am going to enjoy what I am doing, I am always bucking against the constraints on what I deem as "my time." I am always looking forward to space where I have nothing to do so that I can do whatever I want, which truthfully usually isn't much. This constant bucking against the yoke of time constraints leaves me exhausted and never allows me to fully engage in whatever it is I'm doing. It is only now that I am realizing how destructive and fractious this is. I want to be fully present to You, to others, and to the task or activity at hand, and this can only occur if I release my unwavering grip on time. The truth is, I am holding nothing anyway, for time continues to flow onward with or without my consent. I have to let go, to join in rather than fight against, to trust You even with time, having faith that You will provide what space I truly need. As it stands, I'm a glutton with time, and my senses are dulled because of it. This is not what You want for me; this is not what I want for me. I want to be fully engaged, fully present wherever I happen to be. I don't know how to do this, but I do know that because You revealed it to me, You will show me how to cease striving here. I think this is vital to the deepening of our relationship, and I look forward to and welcome what You have to show me, how You want to lead me here. I love You, and I love how much You love me.
1/15/2011
7:17 PM
Looking at the Life of Jesus in John's Gospel
John 2:3-5: When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine." "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come!" His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."
The relationship displayed between You and Your mom here is wonderful. She knows of what You are capable, so she asks for some help. And with a sparkle in Your eye and laughter in Your voice, You ask what You're supposed to do about it. She gives You that knowing smile that all good mothers have, and says in effect, "Yeah yeah, just get to it already, you little scamp." Then she goes to the servants, knowing full well You'll do it because she knows her son, and tells them to listen to whatever is forthcoming from You. It's a beautiful picture of a mother-son relationship.
I love how the rest of the scene pans out as well, because it looks to me like You're trying to figure out how to honor Your mother's request. You scan the vicinity, looking for something, something...there! Those water jars will do (ceremonial water jars, too...). "Alright, now, fill them with water. And that should do it. Let the master of the banquet try it. I think he'll find it's up to snuff." What's also great is that You just kind of go with the flow. You said it wasn't Your time, but it seems that there's a change of plans, so You go with it, no questions asked. That is loving, trusting obedience to Your mother and to Your Father. I love how nonchalant and unassuming You are about the whole situation. You're enjoying it all!
Other observations:
--passionate for Your Father's name as seen in the Temple; in a holy rage, you defended His honor out of Your deep love for Him
--You never seem to be busy, never seem to be traveling with an agenda. You rarely if ever seek people out, but let the Father bring them to You.
--You just shower gifts on those You choose. The man at the Bethesda Pool, You just healed him. It was certainly compassion that led You to it, for it's not like You chose him blindly. You heard his story, and You loved him. You didn't make him wait until after the Sabbath, either. You just did it, because You are the creator of the Sabbath, and as the creator, You can say that love is far more important than rigid Sabbath observance. Of course, the Sabbath was given out of Your love, and the law that You "broke" was actually in opposition to the heart of the Sabbath. So really, You were simply revealing and restoring its original intent.
--It seems like Your "testing" of Philip was a playful one, kind of riling him up a bit. "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" The test may have been serious as well, but that doesn't preclude it being fun or You having fun with it.
--I know You had fun walking on the water. I know that caused some laughter between You and Abba! It's like You were thinking, "This should be fun!" You got to the boat, "Hey guys! It's just me." But it serves a purpose as well, because it reveals You to be just who You say You are.
12:32 PM
Entry Title: "Is This for Real?" (More of the Kingdom Prayer)
I'm combining two prayer periods into one journal entry because, in truth, the first prayer time wasn't exactly focused. Part of that was due to the nebulous structure of the prayer, and part of it was due to my own wandering mind. Needless to say, it was frustrating.
The second period was a little better, but still a struggle. The heart of the prayer concerned what the quest given me in the Kingdom Prayer the day before would entail. What would be the obstacles? What would I need to accomplish the task? Some things I determined would be needed were clarity and companions, and really not much else. If You call one to a quest, You give them what is needed to complete it, viz. Your very self. Obstacles I foresaw were egos, distance, lack of desire for the unity You so desire in John 17, and some others that I can't now remember.
The biggest question I have in all of this is (and therefore maybe the biggest obstacle), is this quest merely a part of the fantasy prayer, or is it the real deal? It could most certainly be the real deal, and though I don't know how it would fit with the vocation You've given me as teacher, it is worth serious consideration. You could want me to work at uniting Your Body. I have no idea what's going on, and all of this might simply be a distraction seeking to draw me away from You. Walk with me, Friend-Brother-Lord, and lead me where You want us to go.
1/15/2011
4:39 PM
Untitled
I want to get to a place where prayer is not an obligation, something I must do in order that my relationship with You might grow. It is this, most certainly, but I want to see it more as a joy than a burden. How do I do that? Even as I ask the question, I sense an answer. I notice that when I am with You in prayer, it is not burdensome or toilsome. It is typically wonderful. The struggle I have is not in prayer as much as it is in the usage of my time. It is the same with everything, even enjoyable times. Though I know I am going to enjoy what I am doing, I am always bucking against the constraints on what I deem as "my time." I am always looking forward to space where I have nothing to do so that I can do whatever I want, which truthfully usually isn't much. This constant bucking against the yoke of time constraints leaves me exhausted and never allows me to fully engage in whatever it is I'm doing. It is only now that I am realizing how destructive and fractious this is. I want to be fully present to You, to others, and to the task or activity at hand, and this can only occur if I release my unwavering grip on time. The truth is, I am holding nothing anyway, for time continues to flow onward with or without my consent. I have to let go, to join in rather than fight against, to trust You even with time, having faith that You will provide what space I truly need. As it stands, I'm a glutton with time, and my senses are dulled because of it. This is not what You want for me; this is not what I want for me. I want to be fully engaged, fully present wherever I happen to be. I don't know how to do this, but I do know that because You revealed it to me, You will show me how to cease striving here. I think this is vital to the deepening of our relationship, and I look forward to and welcome what You have to show me, how You want to lead me here. I love You, and I love how much You love me.
1/15/2011
7:17 PM
Looking at the Life of Jesus in John's Gospel
John 2:3-5: When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine." "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come!" His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."
The relationship displayed between You and Your mom here is wonderful. She knows of what You are capable, so she asks for some help. And with a sparkle in Your eye and laughter in Your voice, You ask what You're supposed to do about it. She gives You that knowing smile that all good mothers have, and says in effect, "Yeah yeah, just get to it already, you little scamp." Then she goes to the servants, knowing full well You'll do it because she knows her son, and tells them to listen to whatever is forthcoming from You. It's a beautiful picture of a mother-son relationship.
I love how the rest of the scene pans out as well, because it looks to me like You're trying to figure out how to honor Your mother's request. You scan the vicinity, looking for something, something...there! Those water jars will do (ceremonial water jars, too...). "Alright, now, fill them with water. And that should do it. Let the master of the banquet try it. I think he'll find it's up to snuff." What's also great is that You just kind of go with the flow. You said it wasn't Your time, but it seems that there's a change of plans, so You go with it, no questions asked. That is loving, trusting obedience to Your mother and to Your Father. I love how nonchalant and unassuming You are about the whole situation. You're enjoying it all!
Other observations:
--passionate for Your Father's name as seen in the Temple; in a holy rage, you defended His honor out of Your deep love for Him
--You never seem to be busy, never seem to be traveling with an agenda. You rarely if ever seek people out, but let the Father bring them to You.
--You just shower gifts on those You choose. The man at the Bethesda Pool, You just healed him. It was certainly compassion that led You to it, for it's not like You chose him blindly. You heard his story, and You loved him. You didn't make him wait until after the Sabbath, either. You just did it, because You are the creator of the Sabbath, and as the creator, You can say that love is far more important than rigid Sabbath observance. Of course, the Sabbath was given out of Your love, and the law that You "broke" was actually in opposition to the heart of the Sabbath. So really, You were simply revealing and restoring its original intent.
--It seems like Your "testing" of Philip was a playful one, kind of riling him up a bit. "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" The test may have been serious as well, but that doesn't preclude it being fun or You having fun with it.
--I know You had fun walking on the water. I know that caused some laughter between You and Abba! It's like You were thinking, "This should be fun!" You got to the boat, "Hey guys! It's just me." But it serves a purpose as well, because it reveals You to be just who You say You are.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Three
1/14/2011
10:34 AM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Frustration"
[Explanatory Note: For this exercise, the director recommended that, as I meditated on Ps. 139, I look back through the "happy times" in my life to see God present in them.]
Again, I tried the "happy times" exercise, and again it seemed somewhat fruitless. I think part of it may be that I find it difficult to be aware of You in the midst of sheer fun. I'm beginning to be able to do this, especially when it comes to simple silliness. There is good refreshment in humor for humor's sake. I see how You enjoy good humor and good fun; I just need and really want to see it more. It seems You've been calling me in that direction anyway over the past couple of months. Help me to live it! How exciting and enlivening is it to imagine Your presence in the sense of hilarity and nonsensical fun. There are good ways and bad ways of going about the funny and the fun, and I'm certainly not referring to that which dishonors You or draws people away from You, but I so desperately want and need to see You more clearly in the midst of these things because they are so much a part of me, and I see my humor as a gift You've given me. Please increase my awareness.
1/14/2011
12:30 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Principle and Foundation
Entry Title: "I love You, You love me..."
Ignatius' Principle and Foundation (edited to make gender-inclusive):
"People are created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save our souls.
The other things on the face of the earth are created for people to help them in attaining the end for which they are created.
Hence, people are to make use of them in as far as they help them in the attainment of their end, and they must rid themselves of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to them.
Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far as we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created."
Maybe the struggle to engage simply had to do with the subject matter, because I was fully engrossed this time. Where to start...? First (not chronologically), You showed me that I love You. It's always one of those questions I have, the "Do I really?" question. But You showed me some events and then asked my my motivations behind them. I could answer none other than that I did these things because I love You and want to love You more and want to be more open to Your love.
--You told me that the life of radical obedience I want is one You desire to give me and that we'll get there together.
--You told me or showed me that life with You is fun and adventurous, and that that is the way it should be approached. To approach it this way is certainly going to have to be enabled by You as I follow You. One of the reasons I hold too tightly to my time is due to the belief that following You like I want seems like it will mean constantly struggling to hear You in every single moment, constantly battling to discern what is Your voice and what isn't. That is certainly not the easy yoke, and I don't believe that's how You designed things. Times of prayer, hearing You there, will help me to hear You in the moments of everyday circumstances. Laubach's "Game of Minutes" will also be helpful as I move slowly toward union with You.
--You've been showing me Your humor over the past two days, and I have to say, it's pretty swell. Today, for instance: Me: "What about silence?" You: "We'll talk about it later."
--I mention this last because I'm unsure of the source, but it seemed like You were saying that You and me are gonna reveal a new way. Like "new" in a tangential sense, not "new" in a David Koresh sense. Like incorporating humor and fun into a holy life of following You is what I heard or saw. Maybe, maybe not...not nearly as important as everything else You showed me today. Sweet tears came, and my heart was drawn ever more to You. I sat there hoping to cement the new reality into place, but You said that it is cemented over time through incarnation. In other words, maybe the concrete was poured, but it takes a long time to dry.
(Explanatory note: I included the above "unsure, 'new' way" entry to reveal the ambiguity that often occurs when listening to and walking with Jesus. His voice is crystal clear sometimes, and at other times, it is not at all clear and another voice (your own, the world, evil) can often be mistaken for His. When you're unsure of whether or not something is from Him, set it aside or categorize it as of least importance. If it is from Him, He won't fail to bring it up again. As for this one, I look at it now and cringe a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's untrue...it just means I really feel like it is. At this point, I'd say it's a delusion of grandeur. Pride is always lurking, looking for a sucker.)
1/14/2011
3:26 PM
Kingdom Prayer
[Explanatory Note: Ignatius' "Kingdom Prayer" is what an engagement with God through the creation of a fantasy. The idea is to create a picture of the Kingdom of Heaven and the forces of evil that combat it, and to then place yourself in the fantasy and imagine that the King has given you a quest. You then are to prayerfully imagine what kind of person would reject such a quest, what kind of person would accept it, and so on. The point is to understand that you are being called to a quest by the King of Kings, called to live the adventure that is life with Him, and to then move towards acceptance of that life. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in prayer.)
The Fantasy and the Quest:
The story centers on a rebellion against the powers-that-be, powers that have gained their thrones by evil means and hold their thrones through the continuing development and use of evil means. The evil is subtle, however, not overt. They have convinced the general populace that evil is good through the use of a class of creatures known as the Illusionaries. The Illusionaries are masters at playing upon genuine desires within people, finding areas where the desires are perverted or disordered, and exploiting these weaknesses to build elaborate illusions to lure people into the darkness. The most devious aspect of these illusions is that those under their spell actually come to perpetuate and increase the power of the illusions. Thus, they are doubly culpable, for they allowed the illusion access in the beginning and continue to feed it. Through the Illusionaries, the powers-that-be, known collectively as the Dark, are engulfing the world in a suffocating nothingness. People overcome by this nothingness are reduced to Shells, mindlessly acquiescent, and become unwitting slave-soldiers in the army of the Dark. The Dark are mounting a final war to end all resistance and reign unopposed.
All is not lost, however; in fact, far from it. The Light-King is building an army of His own. Pockets of people who follow Him are alive and well, but fiercely opposed. They are known as the Enkindled. What they lack in numbers they make up for in creativity, vision, imagination, and most of all, love. They are also responsible for enlivening the Light-King's other warriors, the Light-Breathers, which they do by living out the lives to which they have been called. The Light-Breathers are an interesting breed, for they both need light to survive but also produce light that combats and overpowers the Dark, the Illusionaries, and the suffocating nothingness. The stronger the light they breathe in, the more powerful the light they produce. The Enkindled emit the light breathed by the Light-Breathers, and the strength of the light provided by an Enkindled is related to the strength of his or her devotion to the Light-King. The light of an Enkindled is released through responsive action to the Light-King.
As the situation stands, however, the pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are facing an ever-strengthening foe and cannot long resist, much less mount an offensive, if they remain divided from one another. When pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are united, their power sees a manifold increase. In order to defeat the Dark and their army, the Light-King's subjects will have to be united. And for this task, He has chosen you. The quest is a dangerous one, and torturous death may be the result, but the Light-King, your greatest love and the One who loves you infinitely more than all others, has summoned you. Will you accept?
1/14/2011
10:32 PM
Response to the "Kingdom Prayer" Request
First of all, what a beautiful night! The moon is bright and crowned with a pearlescent halo, and it's just cold enough to be called 'crisp' with no tinge of sarcasm. You do lovely work.
Now, on to the response to the call of You, the King. Knowing who You are, what kind of king You are, I couldn't imagine turning You down. What else would I do? For whom else would I do it? Why would I want to follow another? What I did notice in me, what gave me hesitation, was my fear of failing at a task so large, so important. I know my tendency, my penchant for starting without completing, and I absolutely wouldn't want to drop the ball on this one. Yet, that fear is not strong enough to keep me from accepting Your loving request. I'd rather accept the quest and fail than to simply reject it altogether. I love You. I know that for certain now. And I know You love me far more than I can imagine, and I know everything You call me to is an instance of You demonstrating Your love for me. So, though I wouldn't even know where to begin if the task in the fantasy is indeed a real task to which You are calling me, I wholeheartedly accept. The question that I have now is, is that a genuine quest to which You are calling me? It sounds exceedingly difficult but exceedingly awesome if it is, and I don't know how it squares with the vocation of teacher which You have bestowed upon me, but I suppose these are questions to be answered a bit later. Thank You, my dear friend and wonderful LORD, for a fantastic day.
10:34 AM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Frustration"
[Explanatory Note: For this exercise, the director recommended that, as I meditated on Ps. 139, I look back through the "happy times" in my life to see God present in them.]
Again, I tried the "happy times" exercise, and again it seemed somewhat fruitless. I think part of it may be that I find it difficult to be aware of You in the midst of sheer fun. I'm beginning to be able to do this, especially when it comes to simple silliness. There is good refreshment in humor for humor's sake. I see how You enjoy good humor and good fun; I just need and really want to see it more. It seems You've been calling me in that direction anyway over the past couple of months. Help me to live it! How exciting and enlivening is it to imagine Your presence in the sense of hilarity and nonsensical fun. There are good ways and bad ways of going about the funny and the fun, and I'm certainly not referring to that which dishonors You or draws people away from You, but I so desperately want and need to see You more clearly in the midst of these things because they are so much a part of me, and I see my humor as a gift You've given me. Please increase my awareness.
1/14/2011
12:30 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Principle and Foundation
Entry Title: "I love You, You love me..."
Ignatius' Principle and Foundation (edited to make gender-inclusive):
"People are created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save our souls.
The other things on the face of the earth are created for people to help them in attaining the end for which they are created.
Hence, people are to make use of them in as far as they help them in the attainment of their end, and they must rid themselves of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to them.
Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far as we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.
Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created."
Maybe the struggle to engage simply had to do with the subject matter, because I was fully engrossed this time. Where to start...? First (not chronologically), You showed me that I love You. It's always one of those questions I have, the "Do I really?" question. But You showed me some events and then asked my my motivations behind them. I could answer none other than that I did these things because I love You and want to love You more and want to be more open to Your love.
--You told me that the life of radical obedience I want is one You desire to give me and that we'll get there together.
--You told me or showed me that life with You is fun and adventurous, and that that is the way it should be approached. To approach it this way is certainly going to have to be enabled by You as I follow You. One of the reasons I hold too tightly to my time is due to the belief that following You like I want seems like it will mean constantly struggling to hear You in every single moment, constantly battling to discern what is Your voice and what isn't. That is certainly not the easy yoke, and I don't believe that's how You designed things. Times of prayer, hearing You there, will help me to hear You in the moments of everyday circumstances. Laubach's "Game of Minutes" will also be helpful as I move slowly toward union with You.
--You've been showing me Your humor over the past two days, and I have to say, it's pretty swell. Today, for instance: Me: "What about silence?" You: "We'll talk about it later."
--I mention this last because I'm unsure of the source, but it seemed like You were saying that You and me are gonna reveal a new way. Like "new" in a tangential sense, not "new" in a David Koresh sense. Like incorporating humor and fun into a holy life of following You is what I heard or saw. Maybe, maybe not...not nearly as important as everything else You showed me today. Sweet tears came, and my heart was drawn ever more to You. I sat there hoping to cement the new reality into place, but You said that it is cemented over time through incarnation. In other words, maybe the concrete was poured, but it takes a long time to dry.
(Explanatory note: I included the above "unsure, 'new' way" entry to reveal the ambiguity that often occurs when listening to and walking with Jesus. His voice is crystal clear sometimes, and at other times, it is not at all clear and another voice (your own, the world, evil) can often be mistaken for His. When you're unsure of whether or not something is from Him, set it aside or categorize it as of least importance. If it is from Him, He won't fail to bring it up again. As for this one, I look at it now and cringe a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's untrue...it just means I really feel like it is. At this point, I'd say it's a delusion of grandeur. Pride is always lurking, looking for a sucker.)
1/14/2011
3:26 PM
Kingdom Prayer
[Explanatory Note: Ignatius' "Kingdom Prayer" is what an engagement with God through the creation of a fantasy. The idea is to create a picture of the Kingdom of Heaven and the forces of evil that combat it, and to then place yourself in the fantasy and imagine that the King has given you a quest. You then are to prayerfully imagine what kind of person would reject such a quest, what kind of person would accept it, and so on. The point is to understand that you are being called to a quest by the King of Kings, called to live the adventure that is life with Him, and to then move towards acceptance of that life. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in prayer.)
The Fantasy and the Quest:
The story centers on a rebellion against the powers-that-be, powers that have gained their thrones by evil means and hold their thrones through the continuing development and use of evil means. The evil is subtle, however, not overt. They have convinced the general populace that evil is good through the use of a class of creatures known as the Illusionaries. The Illusionaries are masters at playing upon genuine desires within people, finding areas where the desires are perverted or disordered, and exploiting these weaknesses to build elaborate illusions to lure people into the darkness. The most devious aspect of these illusions is that those under their spell actually come to perpetuate and increase the power of the illusions. Thus, they are doubly culpable, for they allowed the illusion access in the beginning and continue to feed it. Through the Illusionaries, the powers-that-be, known collectively as the Dark, are engulfing the world in a suffocating nothingness. People overcome by this nothingness are reduced to Shells, mindlessly acquiescent, and become unwitting slave-soldiers in the army of the Dark. The Dark are mounting a final war to end all resistance and reign unopposed.
All is not lost, however; in fact, far from it. The Light-King is building an army of His own. Pockets of people who follow Him are alive and well, but fiercely opposed. They are known as the Enkindled. What they lack in numbers they make up for in creativity, vision, imagination, and most of all, love. They are also responsible for enlivening the Light-King's other warriors, the Light-Breathers, which they do by living out the lives to which they have been called. The Light-Breathers are an interesting breed, for they both need light to survive but also produce light that combats and overpowers the Dark, the Illusionaries, and the suffocating nothingness. The stronger the light they breathe in, the more powerful the light they produce. The Enkindled emit the light breathed by the Light-Breathers, and the strength of the light provided by an Enkindled is related to the strength of his or her devotion to the Light-King. The light of an Enkindled is released through responsive action to the Light-King.
As the situation stands, however, the pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are facing an ever-strengthening foe and cannot long resist, much less mount an offensive, if they remain divided from one another. When pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are united, their power sees a manifold increase. In order to defeat the Dark and their army, the Light-King's subjects will have to be united. And for this task, He has chosen you. The quest is a dangerous one, and torturous death may be the result, but the Light-King, your greatest love and the One who loves you infinitely more than all others, has summoned you. Will you accept?
1/14/2011
10:32 PM
Response to the "Kingdom Prayer" Request
First of all, what a beautiful night! The moon is bright and crowned with a pearlescent halo, and it's just cold enough to be called 'crisp' with no tinge of sarcasm. You do lovely work.
Now, on to the response to the call of You, the King. Knowing who You are, what kind of king You are, I couldn't imagine turning You down. What else would I do? For whom else would I do it? Why would I want to follow another? What I did notice in me, what gave me hesitation, was my fear of failing at a task so large, so important. I know my tendency, my penchant for starting without completing, and I absolutely wouldn't want to drop the ball on this one. Yet, that fear is not strong enough to keep me from accepting Your loving request. I'd rather accept the quest and fail than to simply reject it altogether. I love You. I know that for certain now. And I know You love me far more than I can imagine, and I know everything You call me to is an instance of You demonstrating Your love for me. So, though I wouldn't even know where to begin if the task in the fantasy is indeed a real task to which You are calling me, I wholeheartedly accept. The question that I have now is, is that a genuine quest to which You are calling me? It sounds exceedingly difficult but exceedingly awesome if it is, and I don't know how it squares with the vocation of teacher which You have bestowed upon me, but I suppose these are questions to be answered a bit later. Thank You, my dear friend and wonderful LORD, for a fantastic day.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Ignatian Retreat, Day Two
1/13/2011
8:27 AM
I'm sitting in what I assume to be the library. My doubts are already beginning to creep up about You showing up today, but You said, "I am here now." There are two reasons for my fear in this: 1) I want my time to be impactful for everyone else involved and, 2) I really want these obstacles that hinder me from wholehearted pursuit of You to be removed and I'm afraid nothing will happen and I'll leave here unchanged. I constantly sense these barriers in me, and I constantly feel as though I'm only giving You some of me. It's a disheartening feeling. I want to go where You want to go, LORD; help me want it more, to the point of firm intention and action.1/13/2011
10:08 AM
Scripture Passage: Isaiah 43:1-4
Entry Title: "Remember this...you'll need it."
Prayer time was kind of distracted. There remains a pressure or a burden that seems to prevent me from fully engaging with You. It seems also like I'm simply trying too hard. Help me to relax, and to offer all of my time to You so that You can lead me into the rest that brings rejuvenation.
The main theme gathered from this passage was simply that You want me to remember the promise You made me and will always honor, namely that You have called me by name, redeemed me, that I am Yours, and that You will give everything for me so great is Your love for me. This didn't have any kind of deep emotional resonance with me, but that doesn't seem to matter. You seemed to be telling me simply to remember it because I will need it in the future, either during the retreat or later. It is an unshakable promise, and You will not allow me to be overrun, destroyed, or consumed.1/13/2011
10:57 AM
I'm feeling a little more awake and energized, more ready to pray. In the chapel with sun streaming in through stained glass.1/13/2011
12:37 PM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Always with me, always has been...I want to be with You."
It became very apparent how excited You are to be with us, with me. You are not always and everywhere with me because You have to be or because You can't help it due to Your omnipresence; You are always and everywhere with me because You want to be, because You are actually delighted to be with me. You have been with me in the light and when I strayed into darkness; what most resonated with me is that You seemed to say that You are with me and enjoying my various pursuits. (section excluded)
All of this just makes me want to follow You even more, in every moment of every day. You know, the only conscious hesitation to that that I have at the moment is thinking of the exhaustion I experience when I try to do this as I seek to discern between what is You and what is me. The truth is, I need to live in the freedom of being Yours and simply respond without much deliberation. If I'm seeking You, You'll show me when I err and lovingly draw me back in step with You.The theme of today seems to be awareness of Your presence, Your ubiquity in my life. Continue to open my eyes to this, and open my heart to Your inexhaustible love.Of further note, today has seen little emotional impact one. If it's a block, please work through it with me, Abba.
1/13/2011
7:17 PM
Entry Title: Hidden Hindrance Revealed
In the meeting with Father Gene, I made it know that I felt I was experiencing a blockage in my relationship with You. He said that in His experience, blockages could usually be attributed either to a belief that God was going to call someone to something they didn't want for themselves (in the sense of deep desire, I would imagine, for those are of the very nature of a person) or that...well, I forget the other one at the moment.
Laying in the snow under the sun after my meeting with Father Gene, I decided to push in again to a situation I often revisit. I discovered that this situation really wasn't about anything other than my image of who You are. I haven't been able to let You into it because of fear. The first remembrance I have of this fear in general involved my idea of Heaven. In my understanding at the time, Heaven was a place where millions gathered around Your throne and sang to You for all of eternity. This didn't appeal to me too much, and though I really had no choice but to follow You, the effort was half-hearted. The real fear I had in it was not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but that I would have to be basically lobotomized in order for enjoyment to occur. I resigned myself to the fact that this was what would indeed happen until I was given a different picture of Heaven and, more importantly, of You. I have no clear memory of when this took place, and it may have been a gradual development, but the truer understanding of Heaven and You ignited a fire in me and made me want to actually pursue You and know You more. When You are truly known, then can You be truly sought. The paradox is, You must be truly sought before You can be truly known. I love this crazy life!
Anyway, laying on the ground on this Edenic winter's day, I decided to give You more leeway, to explore the other situation in a deeper and more honest way rather than only giving it a cursory glance as per usual. What You revealed rather quickly was that the aforementioned old fear had taken on new form. I have been pursuing You while holding part of me back because I figured if I granted You full access into my heart, You would lead me in a direction counter to my desire, to who I am. Thus, I have been rejecting You, keeping You out of that area of my heart for fear that You would in effect swindle me. It has been utterly exhausting, and I think it will take a bit to be fully free of it, but I have finally surrendered enough to allow You to bring that fear into the light, and fear cannot survive in the light. I know it will try to re-entrench itself as it rages in the throes of death; help me to stand with You and refuse it entrance back into my heart. I want to move wholeheartedly forward with You. Help me to remember what You have revealed to me today so that I can see it for what it is and bar it entrance again into my life. Also, help me believe that I can trust my desires. Though I am still not experiencing heavily in the emotional realm, this is a huge revelation, and I thank You deeply for it. What a gift, Abba!
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