Ignatian Retreat, Day Three

1/14/2011
10:34 AM
Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18
Entry Title: "Frustration"

[Explanatory Note: For this exercise, the director recommended that, as I meditated on Ps. 139, I look back through the "happy times" in my life to see God present in them.]


Again, I tried the "happy times" exercise, and again it seemed somewhat fruitless. I think part of it may be that I find it difficult to be aware of You in the midst of sheer fun. I'm beginning to be able to do this, especially when it comes to simple silliness. There is good refreshment in humor for humor's sake. I see how You enjoy good humor and good fun; I just need and really want to see it more. It seems You've been calling me in that direction anyway over the past couple of months. Help me to live it! How exciting and enlivening is it to imagine Your presence in the sense of hilarity and nonsensical fun. There are good ways and bad ways of going about the funny and the fun, and I'm certainly not referring to that which dishonors You or draws people away from You, but I so desperately want and need to see You more clearly in the midst of these things because they are so much a part of me, and I see my humor as a gift You've given me. Please increase my awareness.


1/14/2011
12:30 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Principle and Foundation
Entry Title: "I love You, You love me..."

Ignatius' Principle and Foundation (edited to make gender-inclusive):

"People are created to praise, reverence, and serve God our Lord, and by this means to save our souls.

The other things on the face of the earth are created for people to help them in attaining the end for which they are created.

Hence, people are to make use of them in as far as they help them in the attainment of their end, and they must rid themselves of them in as far as they prove a hindrance to them.

Therefore, we must make ourselves indifferent to all created things, as far as we are allowed free choice and are not under any prohibition. Consequently, as far as we are concerned, we should not prefer health to sickness, riches to poverty, honor to dishonor, a long life to a short life. The same holds for all other things.

Our one desire and choice should be what is more conducive to the end for which we are created."


Maybe the struggle to engage simply had to do with the subject matter, because I was fully engrossed this time. Where to start...? First (not chronologically), You showed me that I love You. It's always one of those questions I have, the "Do I really?" question. But You showed me some events and then asked my my motivations behind them. I could answer none other than that I did these things because I love You and want to love You more and want to be more open to Your love.

--You told me that the life of radical obedience I want is one You desire to give me and that we'll get there together.

--You told me or showed me that life with You is fun and adventurous, and that that is the way it should be approached. To approach it this way is certainly going to have to be enabled by You as I follow You. One of the reasons I hold too tightly to my time is due to the belief that following You like I want seems like it will mean constantly struggling to hear You in every single moment, constantly battling to discern what is Your voice and what isn't. That is certainly not the easy yoke, and I don't believe that's how You designed things. Times of prayer, hearing You there, will help me to hear You in the moments of everyday circumstances. Laubach's "Game of Minutes" will also be helpful as I move slowly toward union with You.

--You've been showing me Your humor over the past two days, and I have to say, it's pretty swell. Today, for instance: Me: "What about silence?" You: "We'll talk about it later."

--I mention this last because I'm unsure of the source, but it seemed like You were saying that You and me are gonna reveal a new way. Like "new" in a tangential sense, not "new" in a David Koresh sense. Like incorporating humor and fun into a holy life of following You is what I heard or saw. Maybe, maybe not...not nearly as important as everything else You showed me today. Sweet tears came, and my heart was drawn ever more to You. I sat there hoping to cement the new reality into place, but You said that it is cemented over time through incarnation. In other words, maybe the concrete was poured, but it takes a long time to dry.

(Explanatory note: I included the above "unsure, 'new' way" entry to reveal the ambiguity that often occurs when listening to and walking with Jesus. His voice is crystal clear sometimes, and at other times, it is not at all clear and another voice (your own, the world, evil) can often be mistaken for His. When you're unsure of whether or not something is from Him, set it aside or categorize it as of least importance. If it is from Him, He won't fail to bring it up again. As for this one, I look at it now and cringe a bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's untrue...it just means I really feel like it is. At this point, I'd say it's a delusion of grandeur. Pride is always lurking, looking for a sucker.)


1/14/2011
3:26 PM
Kingdom Prayer

[Explanatory Note: Ignatius' "Kingdom Prayer" is what an engagement with God through the creation of a fantasy. The idea is to create a picture of the Kingdom of Heaven and the forces of evil that combat it, and to then place yourself in the fantasy and imagine that the King has given you a quest. You then are to prayerfully imagine what kind of person would reject such a quest, what kind of person would accept it, and so on. The point is to understand that you are being called to a quest by the King of Kings, called to live the adventure that is life with Him, and to then move towards acceptance of that life. It was definitely the most fun I've ever had in prayer.)

The Fantasy and the Quest:

The story centers on a rebellion against the powers-that-be, powers that have gained their thrones by evil means and hold their thrones through the continuing development and use of evil means. The evil is subtle, however, not overt. They have convinced the general populace that evil is good through the use of a class of creatures known as the Illusionaries. The Illusionaries are masters at playing upon genuine desires within people, finding areas where the desires are perverted or disordered, and exploiting these weaknesses to build elaborate illusions to lure people into the darkness. The most devious aspect of these illusions is that those under their spell actually come to perpetuate and increase the power of the illusions. Thus, they are doubly culpable, for they allowed the illusion access in the beginning and continue to feed it. Through the Illusionaries, the powers-that-be, known collectively as the Dark, are engulfing the world in a suffocating nothingness. People overcome by this nothingness are reduced to Shells, mindlessly acquiescent, and become unwitting slave-soldiers in the army of the Dark. The Dark are mounting a final war to end all resistance and reign unopposed.

All is not lost, however; in fact, far from it. The Light-King is building an army of His own. Pockets of people who follow Him are alive and well, but fiercely opposed. They are known as the Enkindled. What they lack in numbers they make up for in creativity, vision, imagination, and most of all, love. They are also responsible for enlivening the Light-King's other warriors, the Light-Breathers, which they do by living out the lives to which they have been called. The Light-Breathers are an interesting breed, for they both need light to survive but also produce light that combats and overpowers the Dark, the Illusionaries, and the suffocating nothingness. The stronger the light they breathe in, the more powerful the light they produce. The Enkindled emit the light breathed by the Light-Breathers, and the strength of the light provided by an Enkindled is related to the strength of his or her devotion to the Light-King. The light of an Enkindled is released through responsive action to the Light-King.

As the situation stands, however, the pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are facing an ever-strengthening foe and cannot long resist, much less mount an offensive, if they remain divided from one another. When pockets of Enkindled and Light-Breathers are united, their power sees a manifold increase. In order to defeat the Dark and their army, the Light-King's subjects will have to be united. And for this task, He has chosen you. The quest is a dangerous one, and torturous death may be the result, but the Light-King, your greatest love and the One who loves you infinitely more than all others, has summoned you. Will you accept?


1/14/2011
10:32 PM
Response to the "Kingdom Prayer" Request

First of all, what a beautiful night! The moon is bright and crowned with a pearlescent halo, and it's just cold enough to be called 'crisp' with no tinge of sarcasm. You do lovely work.

Now, on to the response to the call of You, the King. Knowing who You are, what kind of king You are, I couldn't imagine turning You down. What else would I do? For whom else would I do it? Why would I want to follow another? What I did notice in me, what gave me hesitation, was my fear of failing at a task so large, so important. I know my tendency, my penchant for starting without completing, and I absolutely wouldn't want to drop the ball on this one. Yet, that fear is not strong enough to keep me from accepting Your loving request. I'd rather accept the quest and fail than to simply reject it altogether. I love You. I know that for certain now. And I know You love me far more than I can imagine, and I know everything You call me to is an instance of You demonstrating Your love for me. So, though I wouldn't even know where to begin if the task in the fantasy is indeed a real task to which You are calling me, I wholeheartedly accept. The question that I have now is, is that a genuine quest to which You are calling me? It sounds exceedingly difficult but exceedingly awesome if it is, and I don't know how it squares with the vocation of teacher which You have bestowed upon me, but I suppose these are questions to be answered a bit later. Thank You, my dear friend and wonderful LORD, for a fantastic day.