Ignatian Retreat, Day Two

1/13/2011

8:27 AM

I'm sitting in what I assume to be the library. My doubts are already beginning to creep up about You showing up today, but You said, "I am here now." There are two reasons for my fear in this: 1) I want my time to be impactful for everyone else involved and, 2) I really want these obstacles that hinder me from wholehearted pursuit of You to be removed and I'm afraid nothing will happen and I'll leave here unchanged. I constantly sense these barriers in me, and I constantly feel as though I'm only giving You some of me. It's a disheartening feeling. I want to go where You want to go, LORD; help me want it more, to the point of firm intention and action.

1/13/2011

10:08 AM

Scripture Passage: Isaiah 43:1-4

Entry Title: "Remember this...you'll need it."

Prayer time was kind of distracted. There remains a pressure or a burden that seems to prevent me from fully engaging with You. It seems also like I'm simply trying too hard. Help me to relax, and to offer all of my time to You so that You can lead me into the rest that brings rejuvenation.

The main theme gathered from this passage was simply that You want me to remember the promise You made me and will always honor, namely that You have called me by name, redeemed me, that I am Yours, and that You will give everything for me so great is Your love for me. This didn't have any kind of deep emotional resonance with me, but that doesn't seem to matter. You seemed to be telling me simply to remember it because I will need it in the future, either during the retreat or later. It is an unshakable promise, and You will not allow me to be overrun, destroyed, or consumed.

1/13/2011

10:57 AM

I'm feeling a little more awake and energized, more ready to pray. In the chapel with sun streaming in through stained glass.

1/13/2011

12:37 PM

Scripture Passage: Psalm 139:1-18

Entry Title: "Always with me, always has been...I want to be with You."

It became very apparent how excited You are to be with us, with me. You are not always and everywhere with me because You have to be or because You can't help it due to Your omnipresence; You are always and everywhere with me because You want to be, because You are actually delighted to be with me. You have been with me in the light and when I strayed into darkness; what most resonated with me is that You seemed to say that You are with me and enjoying my various pursuits. (section excluded)

All of this just makes me want to follow You even more, in every moment of every day. You know, the only conscious hesitation to that that I have at the moment is thinking of the exhaustion I experience when I try to do this as I seek to discern between what is You and what is me. The truth is, I need to live in the freedom of being Yours and simply respond without much deliberation. If I'm seeking You, You'll show me when I err and lovingly draw me back in step with You.The theme of today seems to be awareness of Your presence, Your ubiquity in my life. Continue to open my eyes to this, and open my heart to Your inexhaustible love.

Of further note, today has seen little emotional impact one. If it's a block, please work through it with me, Abba.

1/13/2011

7:17 PM

Entry Title: Hidden Hindrance Revealed

In the meeting with Father Gene, I made it know that I felt I was experiencing a blockage in my relationship with You. He said that in His experience, blockages could usually be attributed either to a belief that God was going to call someone to something they didn't want for themselves (in the sense of deep desire, I would imagine, for those are of the very nature of a person) or that...well, I forget the other one at the moment.

Laying in the snow under the sun after my meeting with Father Gene, I decided to push in again to a situation I often revisit. I discovered that this situation really wasn't about anything other than my image of who You are. I haven't been able to let You into it because of fear. The first remembrance I have of this fear in general involved my idea of Heaven. In my understanding at the time, Heaven was a place where millions gathered around Your throne and sang to You for all of eternity. This didn't appeal to me too much, and though I really had no choice but to follow You, the effort was half-hearted. The real fear I had in it was not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but that I would have to be basically lobotomized in order for enjoyment to occur. I resigned myself to the fact that this was what would indeed happen until I was given a different picture of Heaven and, more importantly, of You. I have no clear memory of when this took place, and it may have been a gradual development, but the truer understanding of Heaven and You ignited a fire in me and made me want to actually pursue You and know You more. When You are truly known, then can You be truly sought. The paradox is, You must be truly sought before You can be truly known. I love this crazy life!

Anyway, laying on the ground on this Edenic winter's day, I decided to give You more leeway, to explore the other situation in a deeper and more honest way rather than only giving it a cursory glance as per usual. What You revealed rather quickly was that the aforementioned old fear had taken on new form. I have been pursuing You while holding part of me back because I figured if I granted You full access into my heart, You would lead me in a direction counter to my desire, to who I am. Thus, I have been rejecting You, keeping You out of that area of my heart for fear that You would in effect swindle me. It has been utterly exhausting, and I think it will take a bit to be fully free of it, but I have finally surrendered enough to allow You to bring that fear into the light, and fear cannot survive in the light. I know it will try to re-entrench itself as it rages in the throes of death; help me to stand with You and refuse it entrance back into my heart. I want to move wholeheartedly forward with You. Help me to remember what You have revealed to me today so that I can see it for what it is and bar it entrance again into my life. Also, help me believe that I can trust my desires. Though I am still not experiencing heavily in the emotional realm, this is a huge revelation, and I thank You deeply for it. What a gift, Abba!