1/15/2011
12:32 PM
Entry Title: "Is This for Real?" (More of the Kingdom Prayer)
I'm combining two prayer periods into one journal entry because, in truth, the first prayer time wasn't exactly focused. Part of that was due to the nebulous structure of the prayer, and part of it was due to my own wandering mind. Needless to say, it was frustrating.
The second period was a little better, but still a struggle. The heart of the prayer concerned what the quest given me in the Kingdom Prayer the day before would entail. What would be the obstacles? What would I need to accomplish the task? Some things I determined would be needed were clarity and companions, and really not much else. If You call one to a quest, You give them what is needed to complete it, viz. Your very self. Obstacles I foresaw were egos, distance, lack of desire for the unity You so desire in John 17, and some others that I can't now remember.
The biggest question I have in all of this is (and therefore maybe the biggest obstacle), is this quest merely a part of the fantasy prayer, or is it the real deal? It could most certainly be the real deal, and though I don't know how it would fit with the vocation You've given me as teacher, it is worth serious consideration. You could want me to work at uniting Your Body. I have no idea what's going on, and all of this might simply be a distraction seeking to draw me away from You. Walk with me, Friend-Brother-Lord, and lead me where You want us to go.
1/15/2011
4:39 PM
Untitled
I want to get to a place where prayer is not an obligation, something I must do in order that my relationship with You might grow. It is this, most certainly, but I want to see it more as a joy than a burden. How do I do that? Even as I ask the question, I sense an answer. I notice that when I am with You in prayer, it is not burdensome or toilsome. It is typically wonderful. The struggle I have is not in prayer as much as it is in the usage of my time. It is the same with everything, even enjoyable times. Though I know I am going to enjoy what I am doing, I am always bucking against the constraints on what I deem as "my time." I am always looking forward to space where I have nothing to do so that I can do whatever I want, which truthfully usually isn't much. This constant bucking against the yoke of time constraints leaves me exhausted and never allows me to fully engage in whatever it is I'm doing. It is only now that I am realizing how destructive and fractious this is. I want to be fully present to You, to others, and to the task or activity at hand, and this can only occur if I release my unwavering grip on time. The truth is, I am holding nothing anyway, for time continues to flow onward with or without my consent. I have to let go, to join in rather than fight against, to trust You even with time, having faith that You will provide what space I truly need. As it stands, I'm a glutton with time, and my senses are dulled because of it. This is not what You want for me; this is not what I want for me. I want to be fully engaged, fully present wherever I happen to be. I don't know how to do this, but I do know that because You revealed it to me, You will show me how to cease striving here. I think this is vital to the deepening of our relationship, and I look forward to and welcome what You have to show me, how You want to lead me here. I love You, and I love how much You love me.
1/15/2011
7:17 PM
Looking at the Life of Jesus in John's Gospel
John 2:3-5: When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine." "Dear woman, why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "My time has not yet come!" His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you."
The relationship displayed between You and Your mom here is wonderful. She knows of what You are capable, so she asks for some help. And with a sparkle in Your eye and laughter in Your voice, You ask what You're supposed to do about it. She gives You that knowing smile that all good mothers have, and says in effect, "Yeah yeah, just get to it already, you little scamp." Then she goes to the servants, knowing full well You'll do it because she knows her son, and tells them to listen to whatever is forthcoming from You. It's a beautiful picture of a mother-son relationship.
I love how the rest of the scene pans out as well, because it looks to me like You're trying to figure out how to honor Your mother's request. You scan the vicinity, looking for something, something...there! Those water jars will do (ceremonial water jars, too...). "Alright, now, fill them with water. And that should do it. Let the master of the banquet try it. I think he'll find it's up to snuff." What's also great is that You just kind of go with the flow. You said it wasn't Your time, but it seems that there's a change of plans, so You go with it, no questions asked. That is loving, trusting obedience to Your mother and to Your Father. I love how nonchalant and unassuming You are about the whole situation. You're enjoying it all!
Other observations:
--passionate for Your Father's name as seen in the Temple; in a holy rage, you defended His honor out of Your deep love for Him
--You never seem to be busy, never seem to be traveling with an agenda. You rarely if ever seek people out, but let the Father bring them to You.
--You just shower gifts on those You choose. The man at the Bethesda Pool, You just healed him. It was certainly compassion that led You to it, for it's not like You chose him blindly. You heard his story, and You loved him. You didn't make him wait until after the Sabbath, either. You just did it, because You are the creator of the Sabbath, and as the creator, You can say that love is far more important than rigid Sabbath observance. Of course, the Sabbath was given out of Your love, and the law that You "broke" was actually in opposition to the heart of the Sabbath. So really, You were simply revealing and restoring its original intent.
--It seems like Your "testing" of Philip was a playful one, kind of riling him up a bit. "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" The test may have been serious as well, but that doesn't preclude it being fun or You having fun with it.
--I know You had fun walking on the water. I know that caused some laughter between You and Abba! It's like You were thinking, "This should be fun!" You got to the boat, "Hey guys! It's just me." But it serves a purpose as well, because it reveals You to be just who You say You are.
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