Ignatian Retreat, Day Five

1/16/2011
3:41 PM
Meditation on Ignatius' Three Degrees of Humility

The Three Kinds or Degrees of Humility

The First Kind: This is necessary for salvation. It consists in this, that as far as possible I so subject and humble myself as to obey the law of God our Lord and in all things, so that not even were I made lord of all creation, or to save my life here on earth, would I consent to violate a commandment, whether divine or human, that binds me under pain of mortal sin.

The Second Kind: This is more perfect than the first. I possess it if my attitude of mind is such that I neither desire nor am I inclined to have riches rather than poverty, to seek honor rather than dishonor, to desire a long life rather than a short life, provided only in either alternative I would promote equally the service of God our Lord and the salvation of my soul. Besides this indifference, this second kind of humility supposes that not for all creation, nor to save my life, would I consent to commit a venial sin.

The Third Kind: This is the most perfect kind of humility. It consists in this. If we suppose the first and second kind attained, then whenever the praise and glory of the Divine Majesty would be equally served, in order to imitate and be in reality more like Christ our Lord, I desire and choose poverty with Christ poor, rather than riches; insults with Christ loaded with them, rather than honors; I desire to be accounted as worthless and a fool for Christ, rather than to be esteemed as wise and prudent in this world. So Christ was treated before me.

Explanatory Note: These are translations of the original wording of Ignatius; I was given an expanded commentary written by my director on which to meditate.


Entry:
There may be several entries for this exercise because of its appeal to me. I simply desire to remain in prayer with You concerning it. I was drawn by a line in Father Gene's commentary on the Three Degrees in his elaboration of the First Kind of Humility. It reads, "When I ponder everything that God has given me and think of how God supports me in everything I do, how else can I respond?" It refers to the avoidance of serious sin, but it has much greater import than that. It relates to all three degrees, to all of life. When I think of that, of how much You must love me just to have created me and how, in a very real sense, all that is created is for me, how else can I respond but to offer my life to You as a gift, a loving sacrifice? What is the point of doing anything else, and why would I want to do anything else? Now, it's easy to feel this and to write these words in the sweet comfort of the retreat house, but it is much harder to live this out in everyday life. This awareness that You are calling me to, the always-everywhere-ness of You, needs to be cultivated in order to live in this way. And there are desires I have that compete with this ultimate desire: to walk through life with a companion, to do meaningful work for You that also energizes me, to be better than I am, to enjoy the beauty and wildness of Creation, to be known truly. All of these at times become disordered for me, and probably more than I care to admit or even recognize. The only way I know to keep them in line is to actively seek to desire You more and to see You everywhere and always with me. I need not worry about the deep desires in me; they are from You, and as I follow You, You will lovingly and joyfully gift them. And if not, so be it, for the ultimate desire I have is You. I must have You, Abba, and I want to have You have me. Keep me on this path.


1/16/2011
9:56 PM
Second Time with the Three Degrees


Immediately before beginning this entry, I chanced to read a letter of Mother Teresa's. Will I ever be like these saints I so admire? Will I ever be like You? When I look at how much I fight myself to give in, or how weakly I fight, or how I ignore the fight, it doesn't encourage me. This foolish country needs its share of You's in it, those who have sincerely devoted all to follow You, who walk radical obedience to You. I say I want this, but I'm not sure my life bears the truth of this out. In some respects I see it moving in that direction; in others, I simply see no movement. But You know what I do see?!? For the first time, I am starting to see a fairly unique blend of talents and passions in me. I know I tend to get overexcited about things and then just fizzle out, so maybe some of what I'm seeing is only flash-in-the-pan pyrotechnics...but maybe it's not. To walk where You walk, no matter the cost and no matter if I'm doing it in the dark, that is what I want. The difficult part is the small start.

So, because of the hodgepodge of things that came with my second meditation on the Three Degrees, I had to stay away from writing for awhile to give You time to filter out the true from the false. I'm going to try and list here what occurred.

First of all, it took forever to really get "started." When it did, things started flying. For humility's sake, I felt that You emphasized starting the day with contemplative prayer in order to focus myself on You throughout the day. This will take some work, but I feel its necessary because I have a soul-crushing habit of waiting too long to get up and then feeling a false urgency overtaking me and leading me away from prayer. This really does need to change, and it will help me let go of my control of my time as well as focusing me on You and the awareness of You throughout the day.

[sections excluded]

Okay, I think those were the important points there. I'm not going to try to remember anything else because I feel like You brought the necessary things to mind. I'll stop...which is actually a good segue into the post-prayer walk around the grounds. During this walk, You said I need to let go of things quicker and to trust You. Obsessing over a problem doesn't help, and it displays fear and a lack of trust. You told me You loved me, that the problems I deem so primary are indeed problems that You also see and that You want them gone as well, and that we will take care of them...but not just yet. In the meantime, You said, You're much bigger than it all and You are ever near me. I LOVE YOU! Also, I felt the prayers of everyone tonight on the walk more than any other time during the retreat thus far. Okay, I'm spent.