1/17/2011
10:07 AM
Three Degrees #3
Beginning with contemplative prayer was a good call, Jesus. Thank You. Contemplative prayer actually helps in other types of prayer because it helps me see distractions for what they are and how to handle them. Focus is more easily maintained.
For this prayer period, the third degree of humility was the emphasis. The constant refrain was: You were Created to Walk this Life. It was repeated throughout the time. Although I think You say this to us all, it was definitely meant specifically for me. That "you" was not general but very particular. The "created" piece implied choice in the matter, though true purpose is found only in walking Your life in my shoes, Jesus, so though it is sometimes difficult to carry this through, there really is no alternative. The "walk" portion struck me as one of movement in the midst of abiding, that in order to rest in You I must walk with You. Resting is not a stationary activity. the "life" portion says that it is comprehensive, that the life is not a series of events that meet certain "holy" criteria, but that it is all-encompassing. It also spoke to me of energy, vibrancy, fun, adventure, electricity, color, beauty, joy, love.
I tried to figure out everything about how it is to look, but it is an invitation, not a map. Besides, I am already walking it to some degree; You're simply inviting me to more. At the moment, I'm scared that I will leave and forget. Trust is always my biggest obstacle with You; help me to trust that You will continue what here You have begun.
Finally, last night needs to be documented. There are some things to consider, for the full-body sensation I had as I sat with You, staring into the fire, was that this ........ idea is no fanciful imagining. It seemed very much like something towards which You are beckoning me. It would unite the vocation as teacher and, for lack of a better word, unifier. I really think I need to undergo some serious discernment regarding all this entails. It is a rather important issue in that it seems to be a matter of good vs. best, and I want best, that is, to walk with You in everything. Open my eyes, ears, and heart here.
1/17/2011
4:54 PM
Contemplation on God's Loving Presence, Take 1 (another of Ignatius' creations that I'm not going to write out...deal with it.)
I purposed to walk the grounds, stand on a hillside and look out toward the west for this one, but after about 30 minutes in the wind, I changed my mind as to the wisdom of that course of action. So, I walked to my car, thinking I was going to put some books away, warm up for a second, then give it another try outside again. That never came.
As I watched the finches dance about in the skeletons of bushes, thinking about Creation and its purpose, I was again struck by the fact that it is all for me. This needs explanation, but to verify the truth of it, all one needs to do is open to Genesis and see how many people were originally made. Did Adam not look around and, overwhelmed by love exclaim, "You did this all for me?!?" What else can arouse a deeper humility than this fact? What can arouse a deeper love for You? How can we understand Your love to be any less than this? This is the revelation that draws us to You, eager to respond to such extravagant love.
Then the question came: how do I respond? The answer: by letting You love me. It is an answer that is hard to swallow, and one that must be lived into every day, but it is the correct answer. It is the only "selfish" act that is good. In terms of selfishness, think about the root of selfishness. Is it not born from a fear that we aren't loved like this and must therefore grab onto everything we can in order to ensure that we are "taken care of?" But if we simply allowed God's ever-knocking love entrance into our barricaded hearts, this love that created a universe for each one of us, would selfishness ever again be a problem? Perfect love drives out all fear, particularly the fear that we are on our own, unloved and forgotten, and must therefore fend for ourselves. And this is the love that so overwhelms us that we can do no other than to pour it out onto everyone around us. This is the love that creates unwavering trust so that we can follow the Extravagant Lover without hesitation. This is the love that is the "beauty that saves the world." All we have to do is let Him in. There is the question of how this is done, but only He can answer that because, in the particulars, it is different for each one of us. We are individual creations of love, and He will meet each of us in an individual way. If we want the "how" answered, deeply asking is the only thing to do.
If I live out nothing else from this retreat, let me ALWAYS live this, and ALWAYS return to it when I stray.
1/17/2011
8:25 PM
Contemplation of God's Loving Presence, Take 2
And in bursting love, You said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!" This new something, this bearer and revealer of beauty, erupted forth in rolling torrents of inexpressible expression! Vivid wonderful engulfed the empty, danced with darkness. It was the color of the laughter of God, every shade and hue and none of them. The Trio of One exulted in what tHEy had done! In celebration, tHEy shouted, "This is GOOD!"
Then came sky, then land. The waters trembled in anticipation, and from their depths land exploded as the Master Musician continued His symphony. The Wild continued to indulge His creation-passion, singing forth mountains, vast-ening grasslands, plunging His hands into the earth and clawing canyons into chasmic life. Then came wildflowers, fields of embodied light, and wisdom shot forth as trees! Beauty!, but unfinished.
Birds, singing poets; equine grandeur; feline grace; canine compassion; porpoise-ful play...I am here, I am here, I am here...and here, and here, and here. Where am I not? Only where there is not. I am everywhere! I AM! And then a velvety blanket of hush enfolds Creation. The symphonic tension builds in silence. All of His energy is focused on one something. Every fiber of every fiber is aquiver in agonized expectation. Drops of love cascade from Him as He strives and cries and pries from Himself the deepest of His creation. He puts His mouth to this mystery and breathes. He stands back, and amazed Creation gasps: He put Himself into a self! He made a he! How did He do this wonder? The Creator looked love into His child and sighed in delight.
"But wait," He said. "There's more!" Adam lost a rib, and all Creation exclaimed, "Beautiful!", Adam loudest of all.
But as any lover knows, pain stands always near. The first pain was angelic rebellion, jealous for a throne. This dark light fell and sought revenge. "I will strike at Your heart," the vermin said. "I will teach You a lesson." He caressed and cajoled and convinced the two that they could do what he could not: become like God. They bit, and Creation roared in excruciation. The Lover rent His garment in two and fell to His knees. "What have you done?!" he sobbed. Evil laughed and slithered away, thinking it had won. The earth and the heavens shuttered from the mortal blow, disintegrating as the disease permeated all things, the chaos infection. Creation groaned as the throes of death came upon her. He soothed her. "All is not lost. I will save you. I will become one of them and lead them home."
It seems I've lost the inspiration, but as Creation cries out to me, "I need you, I need you, I need you," You whisper to me, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" You say it in everything, always, everywhere. You want to immerse me in Your love, overflow it into me. God, I want this, too, and as much as I wish I could just say "Yes" once and for all, it is an every-moment embodied utterance that is required, a continued repetition forever. Draw me in and open my heart ever more to You, Abba!
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